You and I Hate My Name

Instead of Astor, why couldn't I have been born with a progressive-sounding last name such as Debs or Robeson?

I ask this at a time when financial bigwigs have made a mess of the U.S. economy. The deserved scorn heaped upon these greedy "masters of the universe" (aka "Astors of the universe") poses a problem for people with blue-blood monikers like mine. Will we be lumped with the rich rabble?

Making this even more frustrating is that I'm not a blue blood! I'm told my paternal grandfather arrived in America a century ago with an Eastern European last name (not Debsrobesonitz) and promptly got it anglicized. He went on to operate a modest bicycle shop in a section of Manhattan that had as many Anglo residents as ancient Rome had Huffington Post bloggers (three). His son -- my late father -- was a not-always-employed TV and radio repairman. As for myself, I'm so upscale that I got laid off last fall from my day job and haven't found a new one yet -- though I do know someone who knows someone who dreamed she had a job interview in 1994.

So when an underpaid cashier looks up from my credit card and asks if I'm one of THOSE Astors, I can honestly say no. I'm not a loathsome, materialistic hedge-fund bozo who tells his mistress "we'll always have Paris" as the bozo's financial victims say of him that "we'll always have parasite." I drive a five-year-old compact car, trim my weed-filled lawn with a manual push mower, and watch a small TV that has an antenna. (Yes, I'll switch my set from analog to dialog when I poke the corner of a $40 plastic converter coupon into my remote's stuck mute button.)

Maybe I should have taken my wife's last name when we married. She has a VERY nice last name (Cummins) that doesn't sound elitist -- though she and many of her family members are accomplished people. Actually, I did try to take her seven-letter last name, but it had dwindled to two letters after a bank bundled it with other last names and invested them in tricycles retrofitted with jet engines. (Corporations endanger our children's future in so many ways....) The bank got a $15-billion bailout last Christmas, but spent the federal money on three $5-billion fruitcakes.

I do go by "Dave" rather than "David" to slightly soften the aristocratic sound of my last name. But that's like being locked in a bank vault and trying to escape with a chisel made of cotton.

Remember the Titanic scene in which "Unsinkable" Molly Brown shouted "Hey, Astor!" to that John Jacob fellow? When I heard that back in 1997, I sank embarrassedly into my movie-theater seat. Twelve years later, I cringe even more at the recollection of actress Kathy Bates calling out such a highfalutin name. That's because the rotten economy has left me with less money to compensate for having a Gilded Age second name as the second Gilded Age ends.

Comments

[Olofio]

Mr. Astor. I realize that this is (hopefully) a tongue in cheek article, and that you're not really embarrassed by your moniker. I, too, share a last name that is somewhat famous, and have absolutely no connection whatsoever to those who made it so. And I get asked from time to time if I'm related. We are who we are, and should be proud of our heritage. Wear your name with pride! Be proud of who you are. Think of your father and grandfather working honest days at honest labor. Besides, it could be much worse. Your last name could be Frank, Pelosi, or Reid!

[Dave Astor - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Olofio,
Thanks for your very eloquent comment. My post was partly tongue-in-cheek, but partly expressed real frustration!
Best wishes,
Dave

[MugRuith1]

-- If you ever write a piece about the John the Baptist-Mug Ruith connection, it might need a beheadline rather than a headline..­.. --

Such a cutting remark -- and on a Sunday, too!

[Dave Astor - Huffpost Blogger]

Guilty as charged!

[MugRuith1]

Howdy, Mr. Astor!

-- Instead of Astor, why couldn't I have been born with a progressiv­e-sounding last name such as Debs or Robeson? --

You think you have a name issue? Try Googling "John the Baptist" and "Mug Ruith" together, and then we'll talk.

Innocently,

MugRuith1DosPassos
Un Amigo Verdadero de Todos los Bautistas

P.S.: Anyway, it is good to keep in mind there would have been no FLETCHER'S CASTORIA without ASTOR . . .

[Dave Astor - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi MugRuith1,
Thanks for your clever comment! I Googled those two names together, as you suggested, and all I can say is "OUCH!" If you ever write a piece about the John the Baptist-Mug Ruith connection, it might need a beheadline rather than a headline..­..
Best wishes,
Dave