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News Flash: Fox Stops Time!

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I was recently in a part of the world where no news could find me. Antarctica. There was no daily paper, no television, no telephone and no access to the Internet. So, blissfully, no politics. Well, almost. I have to admit that it was difficult to look upon the icy cold desolation and not think of Dick Cheney's heart. But other than that, affairs of the state were left behind.

To be honest, it tested me. An admitted news junkie, I wasn't sure exactly how I'd survive. And, egotistically, I was unclear how the world would get along without my monitoring services. Well, as you've already guessed, the world did not stop spinning. Unfortunately, neither did the news.

Once home and safely tucked behind my desk, I got caught up. Category by category, bias by bias, I read what had been happening in my absence. The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, Time, Newsweek, and a host of websites and TiVo-ed programs helped fill in the blanks. I was able to get a pretty good sense of things -- from the debate on the stimulus package to Hilary's first State visit to the new bailout requests, up to and including some really important The Oscars.

However, I did make one absolutely stunning scientific discovery. Fox News has found a way to stop time!

Seriously. They must have. Two weeks away and their stories were exactly the same ones as the day I left. Why this hasn't been getting more coverage is a mystery. You'd think that, at the very least, Fox News would toot its own horn. But, humble servants that they are, they choose not to call attention to this magical accomplishment.

And lest you think my claim is hyperbole, I have proof. According to Fox News:

- San Francisco is still the most evil and depraved city in the country.

- Bill Ayres is still an unrepentant terrorist.

- Anyone who disagrees with Bill O'Reilly is still un-American.

- Anyone who agrees with Sean Hannity is still a great American.

- Obama still might not be eligible to have been elected President.

- Keith Olberman is still bad.

- Glen Beck is still good.

- A-Rod lying about steroids is an important story, but Bush lying our country into a war is still not worth reporting.

- Fear is still an acceptable weapon in the war against terrorism, but honesty is not.

- Dick Morris still doesn't like the Clintons.

- Anne Coulter's snarky opinions are still being listened to as though they have value.

- Karl Rove is still being consulted for his opinion and he's still got that same wide-eyed expression on his face -- the one that makes him look like even he can't believe anyone's still taking him seriously.

- And, the clincher that time must have stopped was the Fox News Ticker. Moving across the bottom of my screen was the exact same message that was there the day I left the country: "Obama To Speak, Stocks Plunge." If the ticker were current it would have read "Limbaugh To Speak, Stocks Plunge." Hell, these days it could easily read "Sun Shines, Stocks Plunge." But it didn't. So that's pretty clear proof that Fox News can stop time, isn't it?.

Well, either that or they use the Fox News Ticker to marry unrelated facts in order to create the false impression that any two events they choose are somehow related. But they wouldn't do that, would they? Nah. That wouldn't be ethical. That wouldn't be journalism. That would be subscribing to Woody Allen's theory that if you nail any two things in the universe together, some shmuck will buy it. And if that were true, they could market anything by merely picking two words at random and giving the impression that they have something to do with each other.

You know, like Fox and News.