01/28/2009 02:20 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

2008 Primaries: The First 10,000 Days

At least, it feels that way to me.

Maybe it's because with a woman and a black guy and a Mormon and a Creationist and a guy whose wife has cancer and a Vietnam vet all deriding each other 24 hours a day for months on end while all having to be exhaustingly politically delicate it's like a Bataan Death March on a never-ending trail of egg shells, with a Sharptonesque uproar every time someone takes a tiny misstep.

Isn't it time they just said "the hell with it" and turned the whole campaign into a roast? Sure, you can talk about taxes and defense, but if you really want people to pay attention you'll also talk about the elephants in the room - let their opponents refer to Obama as "The Brother" and Romney as "Big Love"; let them point out McCain's involuntary snarl at the sight of an Asian supporter in the crowd, and let them distribute "Rudy Giuliani Mistresses Trading cards to the crowd. Let's hear those egg shells cracking like drive-by gunfire coming from Obama's supporters, crunching like Hillary fans chewing their Midol. These are the kind of quotes I'd like to find in the morning papers:

  • McCain on Romney's claims of being the candidate most capable of generating change: "Show me a Mormon with one wife, and I'll show you a guy who doesn't know how to take advantage of opportunity."
  • Obama on "Billary": "Nice to see Bill Clinton out campaigning for his wife. Of course, knowing their relationship, the real reason he's doing it is the same reason Bhutto's husband encouraged her: life insurance."
  • McCain, talking about Huckabee's faith, commented, "If God loved Huckabee so much, his wife would look more like mine--or at least, less like his."
  • Obama on Hillary's win in Nevada: "I guess those Clampetts pitied a bitch whose husband goes outside the marriage when he wants to hook up."
  • Reacting to disparaging comments made by Romney and McCain, Huckabee conferred with Don Rickles, who's recently replace Chuck Norris as his traveling companion, then turned back to the audience and said "Those guys are hockey pucks!"
  • Mitt Romney on John McCain's age: "John McCain is so old he sat in front of Jesus in first grade. His social security number is in Roman numerals. His memory is in black and white."
  • Rudy Giuliani, responding to a question about his record on taxes: "McCain's mama's so fat her ass has five delegates."
  • Hillary Clinton on hearing Obama's comments about Martin Luther King: "I don't wanna hear that ghetto B.S.: He's about as black as a glass of milk that an Oreo was dunked in once."
  • Obama on Hillary referring to him as "Halfrican": "If Hillary wants to talk about half-and-halfs, we should talk about her. I may have some white blood in me, but she's got a dizzle under her dress keeping her coochie company."
Okay, so it's not Shakespeare--that's my fault, I'm not Shakespeare -- but it's more fun than graciousness motivated by fear, agreed? That's my vote.

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