A Few Suggestions of How John McCain Could Regain Some Media Attention

01/28/2009 02:21 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

  • Slap around his sister and mother when they ask for money--that seems to get a lot of press coverage.
  • Refer to himself as John "Vivanno" McCain.
  • Complement his creepy laugh by making all appearances in Joker make-up.
  • Talk about the "twenty kids by twenty different women" back in Hanoi.
  • Use wife's money to bail out all those Starbucks that Freddie Mac is closing down or whatever that problem is.
  • When he goes on Situation Room today, do that trick where he passes a lit match through his nipple rings.
  • Point to wife and say, "blond with100 mil in beer money--you'd hit it too."
  • Spice up appearances by doing one-armed pushups
  • When people question his choice of Audrina Partridge as VP, explain that it was the only way to keep her from releasing the sex tape.