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Joy to the World, Peace is Restored

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  1. In the supermarket, the buttermilk has reclaimed its place near the Lactaid after six weeks of being marginalized by the eggnog.
  2. At home, the relatives have left, and we can make noise again during sex.
  3. On TV, football graphics aren't strangled with holly, and the newscaster reporting the plane crash is no longer framed by poinsettias.
  4. On my computer, there are no more puckish elves on the Google home page.
  5. On the Lifetime network, the movies my wife watches are no longer about Christmas miracles, and are once again about poisoned lovers in Vancouver.
  6. In the driveway, the newspaper is once again thinner than Oprah's left thigh.
  7. At Starbucks, French Roast is called French Roast instead of "Christmas Blend."
  8. In the cabinet, the red and green box of Triscuits is gone and we're back to the yellow one with Rachael Ray's face so swollen with forced joy that she looks like an overinflated tire about to burst.
  9. Outside Walgreen's, the guy hitting me up for change is once again shaking a Big Gulp cup instead of a red kettle.
  10. In Michael's, the cashiers are no longer plastered with flaked-off glitter from Christmas decorations.
  11. At retail stores, employees are overjoyed because their 40-hour-a-week diet of the same 15 Christmas songs has been lifted.
  12. And at the gas station, the cashier has taken off his Santa hat and put his turban back on.

All's well with the world.