01/28/2009 02:20 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Our Desperate Need for Honesty, and Craigslist Is One Place to Start

It's an election year, so naturally, the lies and half-truths are flying as thick as champagne corks at a K-Fed birthday party. I noticed something odd--this is the first major election year where the lying doesn't bother me. But frankly, the fact that it DOESN'T bother me, DOES bother me. I began to worry, as I watched a commercial promising me that eating Special K would make me smokin' hot, that maybe I've become numb to false statements. Neon signs promise me the world's greatest coffee, email messages guarantee me a sausage my lady will be ravenous for, rappers claim to be the baddest motherf***er in the whole wide world (sorry fellas, there can only be one.) I suspect that by inuring ourselves as a society to lying, we're making it too easy for politicians. We need to reestablish some honesty, let it leach into the cultural groundwater, and maybe some of it will reach the roots of the Washington Monument. I suggest we start in the area that contains the most lies of all--of course I'm referring to the personal ads in Craigslist. (I wish I had a nickel for every time I'd bought into a description of someone as "athletic," [sorry, Wii bowling is not a sport], "energetic" [not difficult when you smoke meth], or "disease-free" [I had to drive to Tijuana for the ointment].

So here it is--the first ever page of


Bi-polar binge-drinker seeks same for occasional good times.

Divorced white male, 47, seeks compassionate, responsible woman who'll have sex with me and do half the visits to my mom in Assisted Living.

You: attractive female 24-35. Me: a guy who's sick of beating off.

Paunchy, bald, chinless 53-year-old with projectile dandruff seeks relationship with woman who's so much better looking than me that my co-workers will assume I have a redwood in my pants.

SWF seeks male, 25-35, to build a life together. Do we have enough in common to go the distance in a long-term relationship between a man and a woman? I like House, Two And A Half Men, Criminal Minds, Mad Men, Days Of Our Lives, Wheel Of Fortune, Deadliest Catch, America's Next Top Model, anything with Kelsey Grammer, and CSI: Miami, but not CSI: New York.

Slim, attractive brunette, 29, seeks attractive successful male for hasty courtship and quick marriage before I gain back all the weight I lost by starving myself dizzy so I could fit into a bridesmaid dress.

You: a female 18-81. Me: a guy sick of beating off.

SWM seeks partner who'll cave easily, respect my childish tantrums, believe my empty promises, admire my cowardice, stand by me when I betray you, pump up my vanity, become aroused by my power trips, and be jealous of my ham-fisted flirtations with other women.

It's not gonna suck itself.

Hirsute hothead diner owner seeks fertile woman with citizenship to crank me out some heirs.

SWM, 27, seeks attractive, fun-loving woman. If not, I'll have to wait until my roommate dozes off and masturbate to the tattoo of a stripper on his bicep.

SWF seeks man for sensuous romance, caring times, lovely wedding and sexy honeymoon. Then, I'll move into your house, stop the BJs, toss out the items you care about most, alienate your friends, paint the house pink, forbid you to watch sports, dress nicely for others but wear only moth-eaten housecoats for you, spend your money, drive a wedge between you and your loved ones, spend all night on the phone with my sister, but not let you go out anyway, only sleep with you to get pregnant, and make you change to suit me, but nag you anyway.

Manipulative, abusive, cross-addicted narcissist, 32, seeks compassionate female, 20-35, with job, nice apartment, cooking skills, and TiVo. Non-menthol smokers only.

You: a mammal with an orifice. Me: a guy who's not at all happy about the fact that once again it's Friday night, and once again, not one of the 3 billion people on this planet who have vaginas will respond to me, goddamn it.