03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Animal Report #2

I've just returned from my corner deli where once again, against all odds, I happened upon another cat who was shopping. As many of you who have been following my career from the very beginning are well aware, this isn't the first time I have witnessed this sort of thing. Here's how it all went down:

I walked into the deli, past the register, and straight back to the rear of the store where they keep the crackers (NOTE: I went to this section because I wanted to buy crackers). Anyway, it is at this point that I spotted this young cat, maybe even young enough to be considered a kitten (I don't know -- I'm not a doctor!), shopping in the same deli I was shopping in. I thought the cat seemed a little young to be out shopping by himself (NOTE: It wasn't easy, but I did manage to get gender confirmation. My hands have mostly stopped bleeding as of this writing. Vision seems to be returning in my right eye despite some remaining blurriness), but whatever -- this is New York City and despite this town losing a lot of its moxie over the past decade or two, it's still pretty much an "anything goes" kind of place, the kind of place where an underage cat might just so happen to step out on his own to pick up a couple things at the store and you ain't gonna say a goddamn thing about it.

As far as what this particular cat was shopping for, I remain uncertain. For a moment, he seemed kind of into the potato chips, as -- duh -- all cats are. But then as soon as I was sure he was going to go for a bag, he became really distracted with something on his foot and started licking it over and over and over again like it was some sort of fucking contest. Then he spotted something on the floor and just started hopping around and swatting at it for no apparent reason. Honestly, if I didn't know any better I would have sworn this cat was drunk. And it was barely past noon!

After the cat finished swatting at something that didn't appear to actually be there, he stopped to look at me for a second with a big "What the fuck you lookin' at, you bag of dicks?!" kind of look on his face. This went on for roughly fifteen seconds but possibly longer. Then he darted off toward the cash register and cut in front of pretty much every person in line like some sort of drunken asshole. I love animals and all, but seriously this was a dick move. I wasn't the only one pissed off about it either. This one guy was getting a sandwich and when the cat ran through his feet, he was all like "What the F?!" He never saw it coming. Another guy yelled something at the cat in Mexican. True to form, the cat didn't really seem to give a shit and just kept making his way toward the register like he owned the place (NOTE: HE doesn't. Some Greek family does. I checked).

Once the cat finally got to the register, he all of a sudden couldn't seem to remember why he wanted to be at the cash register in the first place and just sat there staring off into space for a second before turning around and then heading straight for a pack of Pepperidge Farm soft batch cookies, which -- for the record -- are bullshit, a few feet away. The cat then swatted at the cookies a couple times before sprinting back toward the rear of the store in the direction of the cleansers and trash bags, items that I would be stunned if this particular cat had any use for since he appeared to be a total scumbag with no respect for himself or his surroundings.

As far as cats who shop go, this one was pretty much the craziest I have ever seen. I'm not even sure he had any money on him. For all I know, he could still be back at the store right now, being drunk, cutting in line, and acting like a dick in general. Whatever -- it's not my problem, but boy do I hope to hell that I am wrong.