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Consumer Report

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Yesterday, I ended up in a drug store in search of duct tape and some other things I needed for later when I happened upon the soap aisle without even trying. There, my attention was immediately drawn to the Burt's Bees section of products. In case you are unfamiliar, they have the guy with the beard (Burt, I think) and also sometimes some bees I am pretty sure. Anyway, among the assorted cleansers, pastes, and astringents, I spotted something called a citrus and ginger root body bar (which is actually soap, it turns out). Since I like both citrus and ginger (which originates in root form only so I don't know why they have to add "root" to the description. I'm not stupid, Burt!) and I also frequently clean myself, I thought "Great. That is just really great. It's almost like they made it just for me, Dave Hill, a guy who likes both citrus and ginger and also cleans himself several days a week whether he needs it or not." As if all of that weren't enough, the soap boasted of being "extra energizing" on the box. I would have settled for just "energizing," but once I found out it was "extra energizing" I was 110% sold. The "body bar" was $3.95, but that was no big deal since I am a celebrity.

Once I got home, I immediately stripped myself of my perfectly put together outfit and jumped into the shower, dragging the body bar in there with me. I was excited and really looking forward to being both cleaned and extra energized in a citrus and ginger root fashion. The fun stopped there, however. After I got the soap out of the soggy box (should have done this before I got in the shower), I brought it to my nose, expecting to pretty much have my ass handed to me by citrus and ginger root awesomeness. Instead, I just got some faint, vaguely soapy bullshit scent barely even making an effort to escape into the air and into my perfectly-suited-for-my-face nose. I tried lathering up with the soap thinking that maybe that would release its powers, but no- the "citrus and ginger root body bar" pretty much just sat there telling me to go fuck myself.

In short, the citrus and ginger root soap ended up being pretty much bullshit as far as being either citrus and gingery goes. And I wasn't energized either. I was, however, enraged and all I could think of was that smug fuck Burt sitting there cackling like a drunken pirate in some log cabin somewhere while he rolled around in the nude with my $3.95. Burt's Bullshit if more like it! If I ever run into that guy I will swing him around in concentric circles by his beard until he goes crashing into the cement of the nearest Burger King parking lot.
Once I got done being fucked in the ass by the Burt's Bees not-so-citrus-and-gingery body bar, I stumbled off into the night in search of some sort of solace. There was no action in the park and I didn't feel like getting drunk, so instead I went to the deli where I was delighted to find that the Haagen-Dazs people have finally decided to stop fucking around and start offering some other flavors besided chocolate and vanilla and a few other bullshit ones in those little mini, non-pint sized containers. Last night, I found the best flavor they make in my accurate opinion, peanut butter chocolate, in the little container, which is great for me. If I weren't in show business, I'd probably just go ahead and buy the pint size of this flavor each time, but since I need to look incredible all of the time, sometimes I like to bring it down a notch and just eat a small container of ice cream at night and also sometimes during the day. Anyway, I marched the little container of peanut butter chocolate ice cream to the counter and paid for it. It was $2.75, which is kind of bullshit, but- again- since I am a celebrity it was no big deal really.

After I finished being inside the deli, I walked back into the night and totally ate the Haagen Dazs I had just paid for with my own money. Then I walked past the drug store where I bought that Burt's Bees bullshit and gave pretty much everyone there the finger (guilt by association, I figure). Then I just went home and hung out and stuff. It went okay. None of my programs were on and everything was ruined.

Dave Hill