05/24/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

How I Learned To Be Super Successful

Success--will we ever really understand it? Probably not, but as long as we're on the topic, it wouldn't kill you to put on a pair of pants. I say this not to suggest that pants are by any means the sole key to success. In fact, depending on the situation, they are at times not even necessary. All of that having been said, however, please consider for a moment that virtually every success story of the past 300 years or so involves at least one or more men or women wearing a full-on pair of pants or- at the very least- some sensible slacks. Washington's crossing of the Potomac? Pants. The Apollo space program? Pants. The invention and eventual introduction and subsequent rise of nougat as the #3 go-to ingredient in the entire bar-shaped candy industry? Pants. Even Einstein's theory of relativity- something he pretty much would not shut up about- was reportedly hammered out while wearing a crude yet oddly fashion forward prototype of Dockers, the popular casual pant. And, to be fair, that nutjob could have worn anything.

The possible exception to this rule, of course, is Swedish tennis great Bjorn Borg, whose record-setting three consecutive years of winning both Wimbledon and the French Open between the years of 1978 and 1980 was a task accomplished almost entirely while wearing shorts and- as long as we're on the topic- relatively skimpy, boner-enhancing ones at that. It is important to note here, however, that Borg- for the most part- vanished from the face of the earth just three short years later, which brings me to my next point- should you be one of those rare individuals for whom success is attainable in the absence of full legwear, enjoy it while it lasts, because the years ahead will be dark and lonely ones, whether you've got an awesome headband or not.

It is at this point that you're probably wondering what kind of pants are recommended to be super successful. The answer here is simple- tight ones. And in the event that tight pants aren't readily available, really tight ones. Should neither tight nor really tight pants be immediately available, however, I suggest just waiting the whole thing out or- in the event that waiting it out simply isn't an option- go with jodhpurs, a pant that says that you are the kind of person who might jump on the back of a horse at any given moment, which is to say you are the kind of person who is not to be messed with, unless of course you are a rodeo clown, in which case being messed with is pretty much guaranteed as soon as you leave the house and probably until you get back home later that night. If there's one thing I've learned in this life, it's that people are total dicks to rodeo clowns. In my experience, however, rodeo clowns tend to wear overalls or ill-fitting chaps of some sort, so I'm not really sure why you brought them up in the first place. What the hell is wrong with you? Stay focused.

Of course, as important as getting yourself sorted out from the waist down is to being super successful, it is really only 90 to 95% of the battle. That last five-to-ten per cent of your fate rests squarely upon the shoulders of laughing, skipping, dreaming, and loving in equal measure and also having at least one full-on knife fight during your short time here on earth. Pay close attention to that last part. Handgun shootouts, crossbow duels, and Taser-offs are all coward's games. But a full-on knife fight lets the world know that you are willing to do pretty much anything for love, money, or pills, even if you end up ruining a perfectly good outfit in the process. The important thing here, also, is to win the knife fight or at least not lose so badly as to be dead at its conclusion. I can think of almost nothing that will stand in the way of achieving your goals more than being killed in a knife fight, unless, of course, your goal is to make the local newspaper, in which case getting killed in a knife fight seems as good a plan as any.

Assuming you survive the knife fight, however, it is very important to continue on immediately afterwards to the nearest bar and/or drinking establishment and get as drunk as possible. Once you have accomplished this, you should then head to the nearest bus station and strike up random conversations out front with anyone who will stop long enough to listen and maybe even a couple people who aren't even there at all. Whether or not you are wearing pants at this point is entirely up to you. But don't get too wrapped up in the conversation part though as at this point you must keep your eyes and ears open for when the prettiest girl in town drives by while sitting in the passenger seat of her father's car. Both she and her father will stare at you for a moment as they roll by. Her father will wrinkle his face and shake his head in disapproval. And then the prettiest girl in town will look back at you one last time before turning to her father and saying, "I don't care what you say, daddy. I love him. I just love him."

The rest is up to you.