07/07/2006 12:58 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Is It Hot Enough For You?

Is is hot enough for you? Now there is one question I find myself both asking and answering with increasing regularity this time of year, especially on days when it is seriously hot outside.

As questions go, "Is it hot enough for you?" is a pretty good one for any number of reasons. For starters, it is has to do with the weather and - as anyone who has ever even tried to have a conversation with another human being will tell you - drawing attention to the current weather situation is a pretty surefire way to get the ball rolling. The problem, however, is that when most people attempt to strike up a conversation with another person by mentioning the weather, they go about it in completely the wrong way by saying something like "Man, it is so hot out here today!" Right out of the gate, they've made like five or six mistakes and shouldn't be surprised if the person to whom they've said such a thing completely refuses to talk to them at all. First of all, it is an extremely aggressive statement as it pretty much demands that the person to whom it is directed agree with you rather than say how they really feel about the current weather situation for fear that you might stab them or something. Also - given the fact that roughly 51% of the world's population is female, odds are pretty good that you've completely offended the person to whom you've made this statement by suggesting they in fact have the appearance of a man.

Take it from me, this is not the way to go about impressing the ladies should that be your aim. You will have pretty much torpedoed things from the get go and can pretty much expect to die alone unless you turn things around pretty darn quickly.

Anyway, getting back to the "Is it hot enough for you?" question, it's pretty much guaranteed to be a winner every time. For one, it lets the person you're asking know that you are interested in what they have to say about things. "If this guy wants to know what I think about the weather, imagine what other matters he might be interested in getting my opinion on! I am flattered by his interest in what I have to say!" the person will undoubtedly think to themselves, and with good reason. Also, asking someone if it is hot enough for them will let them know right away that you are hilarious and fun to be around as the answer to this question is invariably and most definitely "Yes!" "Is it hot enough for me, you ask? That is a ridiculous and hilarious question since it is clearly quite hot outside to the point of discomfort! Who in their right mind would wish it to be hotter? Would your last name be Rickles by any chance?," your new friend will most likely reply just as soon as they have been asked this great question about the weather. And then they will be left to wonder what other tricks you might have up your sleeve and - in an effort to find out as soon as possible - will jump right into a conversation with you before they know what hit them. It is pretty much off to the races at this point. And all of this is because you've just asked them a seriously great question that pretty much never fails to make others perk up and want to be your friend.

Once you've got the whole "weather conversation" out of the way, you can dive into any number of other topics you might be interested in exploring with your new friend, such as whether or not the person would be willing to loan you money or what is their discomfort level with the idea of you having sex with their wife. And all of this is because you have taken the time to get started on the right foot with them. Give yourself a pat on the back, fella - you are unlikely to die alone.

Of course, all of the above is only effective for so long because at some point the leaves will start to turn, a frost will slowly begin to cover the ground, and next thing you know it's the dead of winter. It is at this point that you should seriously consider asking someone this question: Is it cold enough for you?

Guess who just got invited over for Christmas dinner.

Dave Hill