01/18/2007 10:45 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Osama bin Laden the Elephant

Yesterday, I read a story on the Internet about an elephant in scenic India who had gained a reputation around town for being a total dick to pretty much everyone in his entire neighborhood. He ran all over the place crushing houses, trampling people to the point where they were dead or seriously close to being dead, and just sort of making a mess of things in general to the point where the people of India were so tired of his elephant bullshit that it was not even fucking funny.

Usually when I think about elephants, I imagine fun-loving animals who just like to hang out and eat peanuts, solve simple math equations, and occasionally get dressed up in a really nice suit and visit Paris, France in hopes that they might one day return home and dazzle their fellow elephants with tales of their wild nights on the town. This particular elephant, however, didn't seem to be into any of that stuff as best I can tell. Instead, he spent most of his time terrorizing the people of India so much that they decided to name him Osama Bin Laden, which is a reference to the world-famous al-Qaeda leader of the same name who is so often associated with all sorts of crazy, attention-getting antics.

According to the story I read on the Internet, Osama Bin Laden (the elephant, not the well-known billionaire bachelor extremist whom we tend to think of first when we hear the name Osama bin Laden) was ten feet tall, approximately 45-50 years old, and generally kept to himself when not destroying houses and/or trampling people to the point where they were dead or seriously close to being dead. Osama bin Laden the elephant was also reportedly not afraid of fire or firecrackers, which I'm guessing everyone had to find out the hard way.

Being a really big elephant and all, Osama bin Laden could travel very long distances in a single day on account of his long legs and the overall joie de vivre that we so often associate with the elephant lifestyle. He was also really great at hiding in forests and other areas populated with a reasonable amount of large, elephant-hiding plants. Not surprisingly, he was often hard to find whenever people went looking for him, which is just one more thing Osama bin Laden the elephant had in common with the other, arguably more popular Osama bin Laden that we still talk about to this day.

On a sad and not nearly as elephantriffic note, a couple weeks ago the elusive Osama bin Laden the elephant was killed by the people of his town in an effort to put a stop to the full-on elephant-style beatdown he was handing out without even trying. And while killing Osama bin Laden may have seemed like a seriously good idea at the time, now everybody is all like "Oh, great- now what are we gonna do with this big dead elephant. Nice going, A-holes!"

Dave Hill