04/09/2012 05:57 pm ET | Updated Jun 09, 2012

Tearing the World of Romance Fiction a New One

As many of you literary types are well aware, my first book, an important collection of essays called Tasteful Nudes, will be unleashed on an unsuspecting public on May 22 via St. Martin's Press, the popular book company. And yes -- I, like you, am pretty excited about my future bestseller, too. The question, however, is what will I, Dave Hill, do for my next literary feat, having already torn the world of non-fiction a new one? The answer is simple -- I shall conquer the world of romance fiction, specifically the really erotic and steamy kind that will make people totally believe in love and also banging again, maybe even at the same time. And with that, I'd now like to share with you this brief excerpt from my forthcoming romance fiction debut Temptation's Playing, during which our main characters Mitch and Sophia haven't had intercourse yet but are totally about to and everyone knows it:

Sophia Johnson was a lady in every sense of the word. Not only did she wear flowery dresses and lipstick and stuff, but she also had fully functioning female genitalia and a doctor's note to prove it. Lady or not, though, Sophia got tired every once in a while, just like anyone else.

"I'm tired," Sophia thought. "Maybe I'll get some coffee. The caffeine will wake me up and then I will be less tired."

Then Sophia walked into the coffee shop she just happened to be standing next to at the time, where she ran into one Mitch Reynolds, the ridiculously handsome guy who was working there.

"Sorry, ma'am," Mitch said as soon as he spotted Sophia, who was super hot, like a desert when the sun was out or something, "but if you're looking to buy some coffee, you're pretty much screwed because I'm about to close this coffee shop for the night."

"I'm screwed, am I?" Sophia said with a sexy wink.

"Well, I guess we'll have to see about that," Mitch answered with a sexy wink of his own. Also, Mitch had a huge boner but he was wearing an apron so Sophia couldn't really see it that much even though that thing was like a baseball hat.

"What do you mean?" Sophia asked while absentmindedly placing her foot on a chair and hiking her skirt up really high so Mitch could totally see her underpants, which were brand new and also really classy.

"There's a hotel right next door," Mitch smiled. "Every room comes equipped with a coffee maker. If you'd like, we could rent a room and I could make you some coffee there, you know, since this coffee shop is closing right now like I was saying."

Sophia was a little suspicious, but they were both ridiculously attractive people, like something out of a goddamn JC Penney catalog, so she decided to just go with it.

"Sure," Sophia said while tossing her hair like a pile of sexy rope being handled by a Mexican longshoreman. "Why not?"

Then Mitch and Sophia went next door to the hotel as fast as their feet could take them. Mitch didn't even bother locking up the coffee shop or anything even though he was the only one working there. It was nuts.

"We'll take one hotel room," Mitch said to the guy at the front desk.

"Okay," the guy at the front desk said, handing him a set of keys.

"Here's some money," Mitch said while setting all his tips for the day on the counter in a big wad. He didn't even count it first or anything. He seriously didn't give a shit.

A few seconds later, Mitch and Sophia found themselves in their hotel room like two irritable chickens tossed into a cockfighting ring or something.

"There's the coffee maker I was telling you about," Mitch said while pointing at the coffee maker that was in there. "I guess I better make you that coffee you wanted."

Then Mitch took off his apron to reveal that huge boner of his mentioned earlier.

"It's funny," Sophia said, her eyes widening because seriously that boner was ridiculous. "Suddenly I don't want coffee any more." Then she did this crazy gyrating thing with her hips that made her look like she worked at the sexiest sideshow of all-time. Mitch couldn't believe it.

"Oh my gosh -- I can't believe it!" Mitch thought before saying out loud, "What do you want then?"

"I think you know what both of us want," Sophia said while taking off her top to reveal breasts so big you'd almost think she had a medical condition.

"What do you mean?" Mitch said, acting like he didn't know that Sophia was talking about sexual intercourse.

"I mean sexual intercourse, dummy!" Sophia screamed at him. Mitch didn't normally like namecalling but since he knew he was about to have sexual intercourse, it didn't bother him all that much.

"Awesome," Mitch said. Then the two of them both took off all their clothes and totally started having intercourse.

"You have a huuuuge penis!" Sophia moaned.

"And you have huuuuuuuge vagina!" Mitch moaned back.

They were quickly falling in love. They fell so much in love, in fact, that they ended up having intercourse for like nine or ten hours straight, during which Sophia had probably 47 orgasms and Mitch had to run to the ice machine like three or four times because it was getting so damn hot in there from all the nonstop sex they were having.

"What's going on in there?" a voice finally yelled from the hallway after most of the hotel's guests had already gone to sleep. It turned out it was the guy from the front desk, who totally knew Sophia and Mitch were having intercourse but it's not like he was just gonna come out and say it. It would have been rude.

"Nothing!" Mitch and Sophia giggled knowingly while continuing to go at each other like they were in some sort of contest. It was the greatest and craziest sexual intercourse anyone had ever had ever, like something from an especially steamy wildlife program on public television. Sophia even did weird stuff to Mitch's butt, which normally he wouldn't have been cool with but she was so hot he was just like whatever.

After probably six more hours of nonstop intercourse, Mitch burst forth with an orgasm so gigantic he worried he might need to be hospitalized. It was like a massive firehose went off. The whole place was soaked -- the bed, the walls, the carpet, you name it. Even that coffee maker from before got blasted. A couple of lamps got broken too. It was unreal.

"I'm never gonna get the deposit back on this room," Mitch sighed while wiping his brow like a goddamn prizefighter.

"Who cares?" Sophia asked. "We're in love and that's what matters most."

"I guess you're right," Mitch agreed while pulling on his clothes, which were by now also totally covered in you know what.

"What do you want to do now?" Sophia asked Mitch as they exited the hotel a few minutes later like a couple of exhausted coal miners.

"I'm tired," Mitch said with a wink. "Let's get some coffee."

Then they both just laughed and laughed, you know, because of what happened last time.