Shark Attack!

01/15/2009 05:12 am 05:12:02 | Updated May 25, 2011

"Shark attack! Shark attack!" That is what the people of Sydney, Australia were heard to say recently when there was a shark attack in their popular town. As is often the case when a shark attacks somebody, everyone was really surprised by the shark attack, especially a man by the name of Eric Nerhus, who is the guy who got attacked by the shark.

According to the story I read on the Internet, Eric Nerhus was swimming around while hunting for shellfish, which isn't all that hard if you really think about it since shellfish tend to not really move around all that much, even when they are under attack, but whatever. Anyway, it was right around this time that all of a sudden a big shark grabbed Eric Nerhus by the head and then tried to swallow him whole as if Eric Nerhus were a healthy and delicious snack favored by the shark community, even though Eric Nerhus is not. The next thing Eric Nerhus knew, half his body was inside the shark's mouth, which is kind of gross and also really bad for Eric Nerhus because - as seafaring attack animals go, sharks are pretty much the worst, with the exception of course of the North Pacific Giant Octopus, which is by all accounts a total dick and - under certain circumstances - a major cocktease.

Anyway, it is right around this time that Eric Nerhus started to fight back desperately, which is pretty much the only way to fight when your opponent is a shark. Luckily for him, Eric Nerhus was still holding the chisel he was using to hunt the shellfish mentioned earlier and even though Eric had never been attacked by a shark before, Eric Nerhus assumed that sharks hate being poked in the eye just as much as any other eye-having creature and boy was he right. After Eric Nerhus poked the shark in the eye with his chisel, the shark opened its mouth and the next thing Eric Nerhus knew, he was totally not in the shark's mouth anymore. It is at this point that Eric Nerhus decided to leave the area as quickly as possible, which - considering everything that had just happened and all - was perfectly reasonable. Meanwhile, the shark was all like "What the fuck?"

Now you are probably wondering what happened to Eric Nerhus after all this and the good news is that Eric Nerhus is totally fine except for a few cuts and bruises and also several major life-threatening injuries that tend to just be part of the deal when you are attacked by a shark. Sometimes I wonder whether Eric Nerhus will ever go in the ocean again. "Hey, Eric Nerhus, do you want to go in the ocean with me?," a friend of Eric Nerhus might ask. "Ha - that is unlikely, especially considering what happened to me last time I went in the ocean. I was attacked by a shark, as you remember," Eric Nerhus might answer. And then Eric Nerhus' friend will probably be all like, "Oh, I know, I was just kidding." And then they will both just laugh and laugh and then maybe get a sandwich.