11/29/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Birds in Review: A Review of The Birds

Last night I watched The Birds, the popular Alfred Hitchcock film in which a bunch of birds are total dicks to every human in sight for no apparent reason other than the fact that they are birds and they have been putting up with people's bullshit for way too long now. The movie stars Tippi Hedren, an uptight superfox who manages to look totally bangable even when she is being attacked by birds, has just been attacked by birds, or is just standing there wondering whether or not she is about to be attacked by birds.

Despite being totally bangable, however, it should be noted that Tippi Hedren wears pretty much the same green outfit through pretty much the whole movie while those around her enjoy multiple wardrobe changes throughout the film, all of which can only mean one thing: Tippi Hedren is a skank.

The movie The Birds starts off in a pet store where Rod Taylor, who has also been on Murder, She Wrote, is seriously thinking about buying some birds when he runs into Tippi Hedren, who is a total bitch to him. And even though she is a total bitch you can tell they both want to bang each other regardless of whether or not they are going to have their asses handed to them by a shitload of irritable birds later in the movie.

In hopes of getting banged by Rod, Tippi later shows up at Rod's mother's house in the town of Bodega Bay, which is a totally made up name if you ask me. Along the way, she runs into Suzanne Pleshette, who is easily as bangable as Tippi Hedren and has the good sense to change up her outfit every once in a while so we all know she is not a total ho. Suzanne and Tippi end up sitting around smoking and drinking together and the viewer is led to believe there is a seriously good chance they are about to lez out but it turns out the movie was made in 1963 so the odds of them lezzing out isn't really very good at all. You can tell they were thinking about it, though.

After Suzanne and Tippi end up not lezzing out, the birds, mentioned earlier, start going totally apeshit on everyone in the town and it is awesome. At first they just start pecking at people just to keep them on their toes but once they get a taste of some old guy's eyeballs it's pretty much game on and they start attacking everyone in sight like it's some sort of fucking contest or something. They even kill Suzanne Pleshette and she is one of the biggest stars in the movie. To her credit though, Suzanne Pleshette still looks totally bangable even after being killed by those a-hole birds.

After Suzanne dies, Tippi, Rod, and Jessica Tandy, whom you no doubt remember from such films as Driving Miss Daisy and Fried Green Tomatoes, end up trapped inside a house together with some annoying little girl who is supposedly Rod's sister even though there is about a 30-year age difference between them and Jessica Tandy would have to have had some sort of super vagina to crank out both of them in a single lifetime. Anyway, Rod boards up all the windows but that's still not enough to stop those fucking birds from opening up the biggest can of bird-based whup-ass on them I have ever seen.

Once the birds finally decide to stop their full-on avian assault and take a breather, everyone instantly assumes it's safe to go outside again, so they jump into their car and take Tippi to the hospital because she is bleeding all over the place and making a mess of the car. At this point in the movie she can do little else besides stare off into the distance looking like a totally bangable superfox who is also a skank. That's how badly those birds kicked her ass.

In the last scene in the movie, Rod, Tippi, Jessica, and the annoying little girl drive off into the sunset while all the birds just sit there watching them, comfortable in the knowledge that if Tippi Hedren even thinks about coming back to that house again they will fuck her shit up so fast it's not even fucking funny.

Run, don't walk, to see this movie.