07/30/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Gayest Day of the Year

It's Monday and I am still coming down from the gayest day of the year (Gay Pride Day in New York City, in case you happen to live here and didn't leave the house) in a city that is already pretty gay year round if you really think about it. I am not a gay myself, but sort of like how everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day, I tried to gay it up as much as possible on Gay Pride Day anyway, stopping short of doing anything actually seriously gay that might have changed my totally not gay life forever.

I started by having myself a delicious brunch (albeit by myself, which, to be fair is not very festive, and as a result also not very gay. It is important to note here that sometime a part of being fierce is to "work it" or tell others that "they better work." This has almost nothing to do with going to one's place of employment, so do not get confused by this and go to your job instead or you will likely be made fun of later, possibly on the dancefloor, where things are often at their gayest) and then just sort of walking around my neighborhood being as fierce as possible (a popular thing to do among gays), which, given the fact that I was kind of tired and all, mostly consisted of me just putting on a bright yellow T-shirt and wearing sunglasses that I am pretty sure were meant for an old lady. Given the level of gayness that was happening all around me, however, it was really hard to compete with the actual gays who were gaying it up like it was some kind of contest (which I guess it sort of is when it gets right down to it). By mid-afternoon, I kind of gave up and just went home and didn't really act very gay at all other than working on my abs for a bit.

Things got slightly gayer at night as a couple of my good friends, who happen to be totally gay even though I don't in any way think of them as "my gay friends" because I am really, really open-minded and accepting of their super-gay lifestyle (except for when they do something totally gay right in front me and it's really more than I can handle), called me up to meet up with them and celebrate their gayness. Because I didn't want to become gay by association, I was hesitant at first but in the end decided to fully gay it up with them for a little while before we went our separate ways, me to go home and be so totally not gay that it's not even fucking funny and them to go home and probably be so gay that it's actually kind of ridiculous.

Now it's Monday and the streets of New York have gone back to just being sort of gay instead of totally gay. I miss the dancing in the streets and the good gay times in general though. I think we could all stand to gay it up a little more each day, even people like me who are totally into having intercourse sex with chicks. Gay it up, New York City! Gay it up, America! You know you want to!