04/11/2012 01:52 pm ET Updated Jun 10, 2012

Why Choose Baconlube Over Honey Lube?

Why choose Baconlube over Honey Lube?
Honey is sticky. Bacon is greasy. That's a clear win for bacon. Besides, I have nothing against the makers, but if it says it's honey it should taste like honey, and theirs doesn't taste like honey. The same goes for bacon -- if it's bacon it should taste like bacon. Ours does.

Why is your product better to bring into the bedroom?
You like waking up and smelling bacon, just like you like waking up and patting your partner on the shoulder in the morning. We're packing morning sex and morning bacon into one awesome event. Bacon's good with everything.

Describe the taste of your product.
It tastes like the smell of frying bacon on a Sunday morning. It really brings out that alluring smell of bacon.

Describe the feel of your product.
Greasy, just greasy. It's like hot bacon grease without the burning sensation.

Who should use it?
Everyone who loves bacon -- which is everyone -- and everyone who loves bacon and also sex, which is also everyone. Everything should taste like bacon.

If you could have any spokesperson for your product, who would it be and why?
Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is not afraid of anything and dominates the internet, television and movies. If you cross him he will kick your ass.

Do you use Baconlube?
I'm using it right now, while we're talking.

Do your friends use it?

Where do you see Baconlube in 10 years, and why will it beat out Honey Lube on the market?
In 10 years there will be no other products on the market except for Baconlube. The taste of bacon destroys the taste of honey. Nobody ever says, "I want everything to taste like honey." Our path to sexual-lubricant domination is pretty clear.

What irks you about Honey Lube?
I just wanna punch that little bear in the face. Sex should not be cute. It's too cutesy. Bacon is for everyone. Honey Lube, well, it's just not an adult thing.

Tell us a little about how bacon has historically played a role in the bedroom.
They say that bacon was invented by the Chinese -- they were curing pork centuries ago. I would imagine throughout history there were key moments when Napoleon or other figures used products that incorporated bacon. They didn't have lube. They just had to use the greasiest products available to them and I imagine bacon played a part in that.

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