It runs counter to our instincts as parents, but making your kids your top priority may be doing them more harm than good. I received this email after my appearance on the BBC:
"My first marriage broke down with two children because I gave them ALL my time. Now, with my lovely new hubby and a set of twins, all six of us laugh more than ever, due to my husband and I balancing time for us, as well as them!"
-- Gayle in Leeds, England
These days, we parents are so afraid of screwing up our kids that we break our backs to provide perfect, trauma-free childhoods for them.
Um, where are the results? Studies show today's parents spend more time with their kids, and yet today's kids don't seem happier. They seem more troubled, entitled and needy. Here are the top three myths of parenting today:
For example, if you were a "cave person" who was highly anxious, and overreacted to every noise you heard in the bushes, but your mate lounged in the sun even as the lion roared nearby, you wouldn't last long together. So, back then, you wanted a mate with your same level of anxiety, because that meant you'd both react in similar ways to danger. You might say the couple who 'fights or flees' together stays together--and reproduces.
Mother Nature doesn't lie: You and your spouse felt chemistry for each other because you both have the same level of anxiety. Our level of anxiety determines how we react (or overreact) to others--in other words, our maturity level. For example, when we're anxious we tend to be irritable, and more likely to criticize or blame our spouse. The more anxious we are, the more immaturely we behave, because our anxiety triggers our fight-or-flight response more often in our marriages.
So the next time you're feeling superior, accept that you're just as anxious and immature as your spouse is, and settle down to create the best marriage possible. Both you and your kids will be glad you did.
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I recently married a man whose previous had marriage failed, because his wife created a mother/child-centric household when their son was born. Her husband became a second-class citizen and the child was shielded from virtually all of the challenges of growing up. When I met the boy, I was shocked. He was ten years old and couldn't (wouldn't) tie his own shoes, couldn't (wouldn't) use a table knife to cut his own food, he held everyone in his life food hostage with power-issue pickiness, was profoundly ill tempered and obviously unhappy. My conditions for marrying his father were A) our household will be adult-centric and B) rules will be put in place compelling his son to start learning functional independence. Now 'usurped' from his #1 position (at least in our house), with quite a bit less hovering attention and more rules and boundaries, my step-son is now about as civilized as any 13 year old can be. He's alright and so is my marriage.
When my daughter was little, I work part time at night, so I could be with her during the day. At night, he dad took care of her. One night, he told me he thought he deserved credit for "all the babysitting" he did. It was my first solid clue that he regarded parenting as MY JOB, not our job...and it got worse from there.
If couples are both equally involved with parenting, I see the virtue in this advice. But if one parent abdicates all the care to the other? Sorry, but someone has to be the grown up. I hated being reduced to the maid, the cook, the nanny---AND getting hell for not being Cleopatra in my "spare time."
And really, the second myth and solution are hardly even connected. Are you claiming that all a couple needs is some alone time to stop their fighting or passive-aggressive detentes? On top of that, how can you then explain why divorce rates are at their lowest in the past 40 years? Really though, the solution/myth are hardly even related to each other, so I guess you can make up just about any sort of response or claim that I don't understand what you actually meant.
Finally, myth/solution 3 is just ludicrous. Between the trivial reductionism of marriage issues to personal interest and the scare tactics used with the last picture, my intelligence is patently insulted.
About his points:
#1: Attention taken from the marriage union - whether by TV, hobbies, or kids - can diminish that union’s example of parenting and family, from which children learn.
#2: Arguing is less a problem and more a symptom. The real problem is the lack of communication and sharing; however, when made a priority commitment, they encourage common direction, focus, and goals for the entire family. Once again, kids benefit.
#3: Greener pastures? You want metrics? Look at the divorce rates: 1st marriage, 46%; 2nd, 63%; 3rd, 73%. Committing to the 1st marriage may be the best move.
Your insulted sensitivities notwithstanding, many truths are reducible to, and even best expressed as simple statements; the only question is if his advice is nonsense or good sense... I vote for the latter.
To address your question regarding the statistics of dropping divorce rates, I did not even bother to check if the divorce rates have dropped in forty years, because for this discussion it is not that relevant. However, if you insist; time plotted statistic must be considered in the context of a wider frame. Just stating a statistic, may be misleading. For example: they don't chop off as many heads in Spain as they did in 1610... without context, there is limited relevance.
Some context needed with divorce rates: compare married parents and non-parents, then factor in the change in non-married parents as a percent of the population of parents, or, how does the commitment level to the marriage of those that marry today as a percent of the population compare to those who have kids and don't marry? Or, how does the increased occurrence of single parents (by choice) skew the graph of those who prefer to be married while popping out offspring. Then consider... maturity, age, education, the state of the economy, changes in societies judgment of... everything, et al.
For these and many other variables (and confounders) try to time plot the changes over the last 40 years. That, and quoting statistics wisely is a complex issue.
Besides, I keep seeing the title of that book I read years ago: "Lies, Damn Lies, and Statics"
Certainly, life is complex, but the priorities we can create with our conscious minds allow us to make sense of the chaos. Every "To-Do" List we make is a ranking and a choice. Every goal we set for ourselves is a ranking and a choice. There is no "either-or" scenario here, just a choice of priorities.
I've been married for 30 years to the most amazing man in the world. We were married for 7 years before having children which cemented our love and understanding of each other. We have 2 sons and I think one of the best things we've done for them is to have worked hard on having a great married relationship. It gives them a good example of what's possible for their future marriages and it gave them a foundation that was rock solid to depend on.
That's not to say that we weren't super involved and dedicated parents but that's not all we were.. we not only carved out time for each other, we also carved out time for our selves. Now that our baby is leaving for university, we don't have to wonder what we'll talk about the way many of our friends do.. we've been talking and laughing for over 30 years.
My advice for young couples is the same as the advice given to us about a year after we married by a friend's grandparents who were celebrating their 50th anniversary. When I asked how they managed to stay so happily married after 50 years, he said "we said I do, we did, and we still do" ... his wife blushed, laughed and smacked him in the arm without ever denying it. They turned out to be words to live (love) by.
Kids do need the freedom to figure things out on their own but to many, that's called child neglect. And based on what people with children tell me, it feels natural to want to spend time with your kids and meet all their needs (and wants).
Kids need to be told 'no' and they need to learn the world does not revolve around them. Sometimes they have to eat the pb&j with crusts, sometimes they have to play through the rain, and sometimes they might fall asleep before brushing their teeth at a sleepover. Those things won't kill them, but in their own way will, make them stronger.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rIPe5akN48
I was the "worst parent in the world" and my kids were the "only ones" with a bedtime (turns out that was pretty accurate). They had to get themselves up for school and both learned to do laundry when they were about 10. Their nana taught them to cook and they were responsible for cleaning their rooms (or not.. it could be filthy if they wanted it that way but both of them preferred it clean after a while). I gave them allowances and they had to learn to manage it for things like school clothes and extras.
My kids have both thanked us and told us we were great parents now but when they were young, they really thought we were so unfair. Both my kids are amazing cooks, can get themselves up just by thinking of the time they want to wake, can manage money and time and have great self esteem and confidence. Both are great workers and their bosses love them. As someone who hires teens for my seasonal store, I'm amazed at the lack of work ethic and sense of entitlement a lot of teens have.
Why are we studying the family so much? Can't we just live?
Brilliant because it's wise and true. Children thrive w/some 'benign parental neglect'. After all, children Do internalize their parents (can't get much closer than that :) .. so why not offer them internalized parents who not only love each other, but love their child(ren) enough to place their marriage in the center of the family? Children's needs - which are often immediate and so do deserve immediate attention - can be best served w/that kind of loving family arrangement.
I write this as a sadder, but wiser, Grandmother.
1. Your daughter has a cold. You put her to bed, sing her a song, and then put Vicks Vapor Rub on her chest, and kiss her goodnight. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you then leave the container of Vicks sitting on her nightstand. She might get into into her little head that all her stuffed animals ALSO have colds, and act appropriately. My apartment still smells like I died and woke up in Eucalyptus Hell.
2. When feeding your daughter oatmeal for breakfast, do not, when sitting in front of her, do something to make her laugh. Especially do not do this when you're already dressed in expensive suit & tie, and slightly late for an important meeting. (As a side note, I find Quaker Maple & Brown Sugar the toughest to get out of fabric, FYI).
3. Think carefully when you daughter asks for something from the other room. When you've, say, given her some watercolors to paint while you do laundry, and you hear "Dad, can I fingerpaint...with, umm, THIS?" It is possible she may not be referring to using her watercolors as fingerpaints, but instead has gone into the fridge, and wants to fingerpaint with Smuckers. My friends, I have served my country all over the world, and I've seen a many things. I have NEVER seen another person that sticky.
After 11 1/2 years of marriage we've learned a few things. One of the most important: there are good years and there are bad years. When we are going through a rough patch I just remind myself it won't be like this forever. We've weathered some horrific things (death, autism and other health issues, and more mundane problems like money) and they haven't been fun. But our focus on family first has helped us come through it still together.
And there is a lot to be said for coming out the other side together.
Children given unbalanced views of their worth and importance enter life expecting everything to be handed to them on a silver platter and are sorely disappointed and turn into disgruntled, damaged adults when life doesnt cater to them.
When you sacrifice your relationship with your spouse for your child you end up alone and hurt when the child eventually grows up and moves on to become an adult.
Balance in all things.
:-)
Nurture Shock
http://www.amazon.com/NurtureShock-New-Thinking-About-Children/dp/0446504122