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House Republcians Looking Into Why Blackmail and Bribes Failed to Secure Net Neutrality Vote

02/27/2015 04:53 pm ET | Updated Apr 28, 2015

Washington D.C. -- Speaker of the House John Boehner announced today that his office will be launching an unprecedented probe into why bribes and kickbacks were not enough to secure a victory in the years-long, hotly contested, Net Neutrality issue.

Speaker Boehner stated, "Today's decision by the FCC allowing the Internet to remain free, unregulated, and out of the reach of greedy corporate lackeys, is a stain on the face of everything rich and powerful Americans hold dear. We will spare no expense of tax payer dollars to get to the bottom of this. Being fair is simply not fair. What is money good for if not to buy power and influence?"

Verizon COO Jaime Dunn emphatically stated, "We fully support the Speaker's decision to investigate this matter. We left no stone unturned in our attempt to buy the one piece of legislation that would have allowed us to take a giant leap forward in our ultimate quest to control the world. The fact that we spent more than the gross national product of Brazil and failed to achieve our objective, easily leads one to believe foul play definitely played a part in disrupting the usually reliable channels of government corruption."

Expecting a sure victory, billionaire brothers David and Charles Koch, two of the richest men on earth, were reported to be en route to the celebratory party at the home of AT&T Chairman Randall Stephenson. When word of the shocking decision came down, their Gulfstream 550 had to be rerouted back to the airport, at which point Leon Brown, the plane's men's room attendant, reported seeing the brothers weeping in each other's arms.

Lastly, Michael Powell, CEO of the National Cable & Telecommunications Association, the lobbying group behind the cable companies' attempt to regulate the Internet, stated, "WTF?! I didn't leave my position as Chairman of FCC and become a traitor to the millions I swore to represent for nothing. I assure you this is not over."