Feel free to call Me Despicable, but, in my opinion, Minions is easily one of the worst movies of all time.
I didn't walk in wanting to hate it. I walked in wanting to love it. Which is why I'm so pissed.
Like almost everyone on Planet Earth, I, too, find those fast-talking, one-eyed, yellow creatures hilarious. Or, at least I do during 30 second Ikea commercials. Now that I've seen them try and carry an entire movie on their own, my thoughts have turned from laughing at them to wanting to squash them with any heavy object I can find.
Maybe it's because I'm too old. Maybe it's because the girl at the popcorn counter charged me $5 for a bottle of Dasani with a straight face. Or, maybe it's because, when it comes to full-length, animated features, Pixar -- the now-legendary studio that seems to release a classic a week -- has set the bar so high that any studio looking to capitalize on the highly lucrative cash cow that is the 3-D mega hit should be required to submit their script to Lassiter and Co. prior to beginning production (at least, this way, there would be a heck of lot less chance of the viewing public being lured into a mind-numbing 90 minute romp of catch phrases, incoherence, and blatantly stupid story lines).
I know, "It's a kids movie," but that's what makes it worse. First off, kids are smarter, and, for better or worse, more worldly today than we ever were. By the time they're five, they know every word to every Pitbull song and, thanks to smartphones and tablets, can practically land a 747 by themselves.
Beyond that, having worked with The Muppets on Sesame Street for years, and seeing the quality of the writing win Emmy after Emmy, not to mention, most animated movies these days contain better story lines and characters than the biggest live-action blockbusters, you can't tell me not to walk into a cartoon expecting to be wowed.
I do, however, take some solace in knowing I'm not alone. Thankfully, there seem to be others out there who feel the same way.
In honor of those of us who expect top quality entertainment for our twenty bucks - and the smart kids who think jokes that rhyme Herb with Blurb are beyond lame - here is my Top 10 List of why Minions is one of the worst movies ever made:
1. The funniest scene in the entire movie happens prior to the opening credits:
Minions singing along with Universal's theme music before the movie even begins is hilarious. It's all downhill from there.
2. No "message":
Even the most rudimentary, bottom of the barrel, "phoning-it-in" sequel of a sequel has some sort of redeeming lesson it tries to impart to the younger viewers and their poor parents who were dragged to see it. The only message Minions seems to leave you with is "banana."
3. Makes a mess of mixing reality/fantasy:
With laser guns, time machines, hi-tech underground evil convention centers, nods to the age of Aquarius, futuristically-designed Dior dresses that turn into rocket ships, and an arm-wrestling, hard-partying, forty-something Queen Elizabeth ll -- all supposedly co-existing together in the sixties!, Minions does a spectacularly bad job of creating a world in which the story/characters can fit comfortably.
4. Stars choose boatloads of money over quality:
Okay, who wouldn't say yes if a Brink's truck backed up to your door with bags of money? But, for God's sake, Sandy, at least read the script first before agreeing to put your name on it! That goes double for you, Birdman! Not every one of these is Finding Nemo.
5. Publicity Budget:
This is one of those moments where you think Citizen's United must apply to movie studios, as well. Learning that Universal spent nearly $600 million, just on marketing this film, makes me want to move to Sweden. Aside from the fact that, from this day forward, wherever I go, every time I see these once-lovable creatures, I will run the other way, just thinking about how many homeless people that money could have fed makes me want to vomit.
6. Proves all it takes is money:
As if we needed more proof to realize most Americans will pay to see anything provided it's hyped enough, Minions is now the gold standard of the sad truth that most of us are sheep. Especially when it comes to our kids. Baaaa-naanaaa!
7. Minions are a study in contradiction:
On one hand, they're adorable; Bob even walks around holding his teddy bear. On the other, they want to be evil; their never-ending mission is to seek out the most despicably evil villain and follow them to the ends of the earth. What are we supposed to make of these guys? Sure, they're cute, but their goal is one of mayhem and destruction. Don't little kids have enough real-life negative role models?
8. Even Minions fans hate it:
I went with my girlfriend, who, up until seeing this pile of dreck, was the biggest Minions fan, ever. The disappointment on her face as we walked out of the theater made me want to slap the director and say, "Have you no decency, sir?"
9. Writer, Brian Lynch, is funnier insulting me in a tweet than anything on the screen:
I was in such awe of how bad this thing was, upon conclusion, I had to know who wrote it. Apparently, Universal hired screenwriter, Brian Lynch, because, among other things, he wrote the five-minute Universal Studios Despicable Me theme park ride (live and learn). His tweet in response to mine was probably the funniest thing he's written in ages.
Aw man, I'm surprised to hear you say this as it tested so well with dipshits. https://t.co/nDOVofeR8t
— Brian Lynch (@BrianLynch) July 28, 2015
And, Finally --
10. Female Minions suing Universal:
In a class action suit filed this morning in Los Angeles County, attorney Gloria Allred has filed suit against Universal and the producers of Minions, claiming they discriminated against women by making a conscious choice to prevent any/all female Minions from acting in the film. Reps for Universal had no comment, except, of course, "Banana."
Even the Rotten Tomatoes score of 54% is wrong, as they took numerous jabs meant to criticize the film and made them positive: i.e.,
There are a million other things; like the plot and characters being so one-dimensional you keep waiting for the twist that never comes, the fact that it makes Universal's legendary bomb, Howard the Duck, look like The Godfather, the fact that even the Minions, themselves, were reportedly furious with the shooting script, and the fact that the soundtrack -- which features every Beatles and Stones classic ever written -- must have eaten up 90% of the production budget, but you get the idea.
At this point, my expectations are so low, I'm actually looking forward to "Jem."