In a surprising move, The Devil himself announced this morning he has decided to throw his hat in the ring for the Republican nomination for president. Speaking from his home in Trump Tower, when asked why, after all this time, he decided now would be a good time to reveal himself to humanity, the Prince of Darkness replied, "I just couldn't take it anymore. I've been close many times. WWl, WWll, the O.J. verdict, etc. There were numerous times throughout history, I thought, 'Now is the time,' then, for one reason or another, I would always change my mind. But, after watching the complete debacle that is the GOP race, and reveling in the hypocrisy, lies, and downright evil being committed, on both sides, all in the name of American politics, I realized, this stuff is far better than anything we have going on down in Hell at the moment. I just had to be a part of it. Besides, I can learn a thing or two from this Santorum guy. He even scares me, and that's no easy task."
When asked about his campaign platform, Satan replied, "It won't be much different from any of these other guys, but, I will admit, unlike my competitors, I do, in fact, have a problem promising things I have no intention of delivering. Even I have my limits. However, after witnessing how much support a loon like Santorum's getting just by being himself, there's really no need to hide your agenda anymore. It's completely clear, the American people will let you do whatever you want to them, as long as you don't raise their taxes or take away their guns. Both, of which, I'm completely fine with. Thus, I will proudly wear my beliefs like a badge of honor, and I think most folks will agree with me." He then added, "I'm very much looking forward to sending civil rights back to the dark ages -- especially the persecution of women and gays -- building the military to the point we're so powerful we can pretty much bomb anyone and get away with it, crushing health care, the environment, education, and, of course, my favorite -- freezing taxes indefinitely and drastically lowering the tax rate for millionaires. Thus, allowing the deficit to, once again, spiral out of control and swallow us whole, like a giant serpent rising from the sea. But, this time, it'll take at least a hundred years to repair. None of this four to eight year crap my proteges Bush and Cheney tried out. That was amateur hour."
When asked about his views on religion, Satan thought for a moment, then said, "Religion's gonna be a tough one. But, honestly, I don't think there's that much of a gap between what Santorum's been preaching and what I believe in. Incidentally, if I win the nomination, I don't see any reason he couldn't be my running mate. I'm also suggesting we change mascots, from an elephant to a Hydra. It's much more intimidating, and it really captures what we're all about. Just like a republican, the mythical beast has many faces."
Before heading to his first event, a luncheon sponsored by N.J. Governor Chris Christie, Satan closed by saying, "Al Pacino did a brilliant job of portraying me on screen, and he almost got it right. But, it's not "the law" that puts us into everything, it's politics. Whereas in the past, a guy like me might have been run out of town, come November, I fully expect to be carried through the streets on the shoulders of the masses. Still, the best part is, even if I lose, I'm completely confident one of these gentlemen next to me will do a fine job wreaking havoc upon America, and the rest of the world. Whatever happens, it's sure gonna be fun to watch."
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