THE BLOG

Supreme Court Votes to Legalize Rush Fans

06/30/2015 04:37 pm ET | Updated Jun 29, 2016

In a week that saw landmark decisions for both health care and gay marriage, the Supreme Court, in another hotly contested issue amongst the justices, voted 5-4 to legally recognize fans of the Canadian supergroup, Rush.

As far back as the Carter administration, fans of the prog rock trio, currently celebrating their 40th year together, have been deemed outcasts and routinely beat up just for wearing t-shirts with the band's logo to home room. An affliction they cannot control. On numerous occasions, reports surfaced of these courageous adolescents being shunned from cool high school parties and forced to masturbate in their bedrooms to Farrah Fawcett posters, while fans of The Stones and Zeppelin made out with the hot chicks. These reports have yet to be confirmed, but it's widely rumored to exist.

By legitimizing the group, Rush fans, nationwide, are now free to walk outside and use words like "alchemy" in public, without fear of reprisal. Also, the DVD box set of Game of Thrones, as well as any purchase of a Dungeons and Dragons home game, or Revenge of the Nerds Trilogy on Betamax, is now tax deductible. Furthermore, females are now welcome at any performance without having to sneak in disguised as an overweight, bald guy in his 50s.

In a blistering dissent, Justice Scalia railed against his fellow Justices and prog rock fans, everywhere, by asserting,

"It is a commonly known fact to all who breathe God's good air, that rock and roll is played in 4/4 time, as it says in The Bible. This decision today by the wimps on the other side, just proves my theory they could never get laid in high school."

President Obama was quoted as saying, "Today is a great day for nimrods, nationwide. The first time I heard 'Subdivisions,' I realized I needed to aspire to a career in politics. I took it as a personal challenge to make sure future generations never knew that, at one time in our country's history, the suburbs held no charms for the restless dreams of youth. Today, I can proudly stand before you and say the suburbs do hold charm."

A picture of the nationwide celebration that normally follows such a ground-breaking ruling would have obviously been included, but Rush fans were all home watching Star Trek reruns when the decision was handed down and have yet to react.