While at least 12 queer teens succumbed to hostile schoolground violence (HSV)-induced bullycide (bullying that leads to suicide) in the final four months of 2010, the anti-queer HSV-motivated bullycides rolled right into 2011.
A year ago this week, in mid-January 2011, after suffering HSV that included (but wasn't limited to) a broken jaw and cyber-attacks on a Facebook page created specifically to ridicule him in part based on his perceived sexual orientation, 14-year-old Kameron Jacobsen succumbed to bullycide.
I couldn't imagine what it would be like for a parent to live through the death of a child for any reason. I also couldn't imagine how a parent or sibling could live through the bullycide of their family member and then see other kids celebrating or mocking the death of the parent's or sibling's family member, at school, with the school refusing to meaningfully intervene to stop it.
Dan Savage wants us to think that somehow, someway, "it gets better." While I value Savage's intentions, laud his efforts, and adore his irreverence, I'm calling B.S. on the "It Gets Better" propaganda. Jamey Rodemeyer was proof enough of that to me, as last year, after he made an "It Gets Better" video, he ultimately succumbed to the torment of HSV by killing himself. It didn't get better. And as we unfortunately just learned, this week it didn't get better for EricJames Borges, who took his own life only a month after filming his video for the "It Gets Better" campaign.
While it sometimes does get better for queer adults, many queer or queer-perceived youth simply can never envision making it to adulthood, no matter who stars in the video.
And now, beyond more deaths of queer teens, we're sadly also seeing how it doesn't get better for the surviving families of these kids' bullycides.
Resiliently attempting to honor Kameron Jacobsen's memory following his bullycide last January by trying to help make "it get better" for bullycidal kids, Kameron's dad, Kevin Jacobsen, devoted the past year to fight against the HSV that can lead to bullycide. In the last year alone, Kevin helped create the Kindness Above Malice Foundation (KAM), an organization with a simple and noble goal: "Teach kids to be kind."
Even assuming kids are inherently kind and instead are socialized into their discriminatory and ignorant conduct, what a great and understandable message, right? How could you not praise Kevin Jacobsen for his efforts to create KAM following the heartbreaking bullycide of his son?
But whether because of the daily battle he faced to ease bullying and HSV for other kids or the arrival of the one-year anniversary of his son's bullycide or any other conceivable reason or combination of reasons that we don't know about that may have existed, earlier this week Kameron's dad, Kevin Jacobsen -- an advocate for kids to just be kind to each other -- took his own life.
So let me say this:
First, whether you're a queer or straight teen, if you're violently tormented for not living up to the gender-conforming behavior that peers, teachers, parents, or others want, please understand that so many people care about your well-being.
Second, if you're a K-12 student being treated unfairly for your real or perceived sexual orientation or gender identity, contact the ACLU, and email every teacher, administrator, principal, school board member, and superintendent (even anonymously) so that a permanent written record exists of your having put the school on notice of the violence occurring at their school. If you feel suicidal, please get in touch with the amazing people at the Trevor Project. If your parents kick you out of the house, then seek out a welcoming shelter that will help; do your best to not involve yourself with alcohol, drug use, or the sex trade, as so many homeless queer teens have regrettably done in their attempts to survive parental and peer rejection. You may not believe it now, but your life and health are precious. There are numerous people whom you probably don't even realize view your existence as a blessing, and many of us are fighting every day to make this world a better place for you.
Third, if you're the parent of a child of whatever real or perceived sexual orientation or gender identity, please embrace your child's development, and support who that child is as an individual. Please recognize that enforcing a socialized, collectivist mindset of what teens "should" or "should not" be, if they're not harming anyone else, can lead to scarring psychological damage.
Fourth, if you're the parent of a kid who has succumbed to suicide, and particularly bullycide, please find resources for counseling and companionship from understanding and empathic people and organizations.
Fifth, if you're like 20-year-old Kiersten Jacobsen, someone who has lost a brother to bullycide and, subsequently, a parent to suicide, please know that despite the unimaginable pain and numbness you are feeling, you have peoples' thoughts and prayers for peace and comfort. Stay strong; we're rooting for your success in life.
I'll digress slightly before concluding with a message for the bullies.
Several months ago, I was honored that the University of Maryland's School of Law flew me cross country to speak at the school's Symposium regarding anti-GLBT youth bullying, organized by talented third-year law student Brooke Irving. The panelists and attendees articulated numerous stakeholder perspectives to engage a common nexus to help ease this problem and those affected by it. I had the opportunity there to publicly discuss and debate strategies with ACLU attorney James Gilliam, who represented Seth Walsh's mom following Seth's publicized bullycide. As I generally stated in a prior column, what I've seen in laws, court decisions, and analyses of how schools evade laws demonstrates that anti-bullying laws don't work. And don't think that the bullies don't know that.
But not so fast.
If you're a teen physically and psychologically tormenting your peers because they're somehow perceived as different, please understand that projecting your emotional problems onto others has unimaginable consequences rippling across this nation. And know that you're the target of my work, and recognize that I and many others are pushing every boundary to strategically create legal frameworks that will exploit unthinkable penalties for you so as to deter your antisocial behavior and make life a little better and more peaceful for all bullycidal teens -- regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity -- their families, and our society.
Follow David Groshoff on Twitter: www.twitter.com/davidgroshoff
Peace,
Lisa Ford Berry ~forever Michael's mom~
BRAVE
I see NO benefit whatsoever in insulting the efficacy of another organizations attempts to address and fight what is CLEARLY an ongoing issue for our youth across the country and MOST importantly the prevailing ignorance of the educational institutions which haven't responded adequately enough and actually systematically perpetuate the issue with evasive policies rather than addressing it directly! :(
I applaud ANY and ALL organizations that strive to project a positive message for our youth ALONG with providing necessary resources to seek help and provide education in the interest of prevention of these acts of violence and ignorance! YES, part of this process DOES and SHOULD include ADULTS and other youth who provide visual representations to our youth of individuals who have survived and experienced success in life!
AGAIN, We must NEVER lose sight of the REAL issue and that is HOW to best prevent these acts of violence among our youth to begin with NOT making disparaging remarks against other organizations and causing pointless distractions seemingly solely in the interest of making another "headline". Remember , to Inform/ Educate , Address and Resolve are ALL part of a collective process! Stay Alive, Stay Well !
NEWS FLASH! Social Change is Never accomplished by only 1 or 2 acts of defiance, but rather a COLLECTIVE group of individuals who remain constant and UNITED in it's purpose to Extinguish Hate, bigotry, discrimination and injustices everywhere!
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First, thx for being a teacher, one of the most honored professions, IMHO.
Second, we can reach them by giving them information, advice, etc., which is what I tried to do in this column. Trying to let them know that, no, it may not get better - they may need to go to a shelter or whatever, but stay the heck alive, and then re-assess. "Survive and advance" to borrow a sports cliche.
Third, the fear behind this column is that once kids start seeing that "It Gets Better" kids are succumbing to this horrible problem, then they're going to realize that the campaign was a farce. Great for the Sec. of State or the President or the World Series champs (all either straight or closeted) from making these videos. But when two kids who claim "It Gets Better" die, that's a frightening trend, and I want it to stop.
-Daniel Campbell
This bullying has absolutely got to be stopped. I don't understand why it's still going on. The kids and teachers all know who is doing the bullying and who is bullied.
I watched Eric James Borges video, and sad to say, he seemed so damaged from what he went through, I'm not surprised that he didn't make it. I sincerely hope his death won't lead other kids to take on board the *message* that they might as well also give up. I see the "It Gets Better" campaign as doing a lot of good, and certainly much more good than harm.
These schools need to do more than say they don't tolerate bullying. It is their responsibility to stop it.
So while you surmise most parents would not want to suffer the death of their child, my parents would have welcomed it as to not suffer the humiliation of a "queer" offspring.
While no support system is perfect and it seemed to have failed one young person, I might have wished I could have had something like this.
I too often dealt with suicide, no one to talk to, no internet support. Even to know there are others out there like me would have been helpful. My church told me to rot in hell.
I am alive today, not because of skeptics or "B.S. Callers," but because of medications, therapists and the eventual support of people it took years to find.
So it does get better and I am proof.