NFL Cracks Down On Snow Angels and Asks for Economic Bailout
The NFL is considering suspending New England Patriot wide receiver Wes Welker for violating National Football League rules when he celebrated a touchdown against the Arizona Cardinals by falling to the ground, lying on his back in the snow-covered end zone and making a snow angel.
An anonymous NFL source said the league is absolutely furious. "We don't pay our employees to strut around and grab their crotches like overgrown ghetto monkeys. And we do not pay them to make SNOW ANGELS!"
The NFL has been the target of criticism for decades, from Michael Irvin and his involvement with cocaine and prostitutes; to more recent strip club money giveaways involving Adam "Pacman" Jones; elaborately choreographed celebrations by Chad Johnson; and of course the self-inflicted gunshot wound from an unregistered weapon by Plaxico Buresss.
Another NFL executive said anonymously that the league is determined to clean up its image, no matter what it takes. "This culture of drugs, hookers, domestic abuse, and general thuggeration leads to these grotesque displays of self-indulgent, egocentric, look-at-me-ism. In the middle of an economic depression, with people losing their homes, unemployment skyrocketing, Jewish investment bankers bilking little old ladies out of billions, and Americans laying down their lives in the war in the Middle Eastern, do you really think we want to see allegedly heterosexual heroes acting like Nancy-boy girly-man sissies making swishy little snow angels? I don't think so!"
The NFL has also been under criticism for curtailing celebrations, which led to their nickname, the No Fun League. "You're god damn right we're the No Fun League," said an NFL owner, again anonymously.
We're teaching important life lessons to kids, because we are absolutely committed to cultivating future generations of consumers. We want them to know that life is not about fun. It's about working your ass off so you have enough money to buy the stuff we want you to buy. I'll tell you how to get this country back on its feet. Every American family needs to purchase the premium NFL TV package and watch our product around-the-clock; drink as much American beer as you can; buy lots of American cars; eat tons of fast food; and gulp down fistfuls of anti-depressants, cholesterol suppressors, and erection medicine. Look, what's good for the NFL is good for America. In fact, we're about to hit up George W, while he's 'lame ducking', for some of that bailout dough. Just a billion or two. To him it's chump change, but it sure would help us out.
The NFL is determined to punish Wes Walker swiftly and harshly. He will almost certainly have to check himself into a rehab clinic, and undergo extensive impulse management therapy. Another top-ranking NFL official, again anonymously, said, "We're sick and tired of the Wes Welkers of the world, who think they can just go around making snow angels willy-nilly. Wes Welker has to know, like every employee in the NFL, that this game is not about the players, it's not about the fans, it's not about snow angels, it's about the most American thing there is: making more money than anybody else."
When contacted the NFL had no comment.
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We do not pay them to act like over grown ghetto monkeys"...yep and to think their are so many young black children aspiring to be this modern day slave! WTF are they paid politicians? I wish black people could see through this crap!
In the NFL..... it's "ALL ABOUT ME"!!! I hate to even try to sit through a game on TV anymore watching players "grandstand"... pointing at themselves, pointing to the heavens and then themselves, strutting around like proud roosters and shaking their heads up and down or left and right in exaggerated yeses and nos like dashboard football "bobbleheads" going over speedbumps at 60 miles an hour!
What incredibly ridiculous displays! Imagine a policeman, lawyer or surgeon doing the same thing calling for self-agrandising glory just for doing THEIR FREAKING JOBS!!!!!!!!!
I watched a couple of College Bowl games over the past few days and there it was the same rooster struts and bobbleheads. Must be a requirement for NFL consideration to look like donkey tails!
It's entertainment. I don't get life lessons from watching football any more than reading this article. It's a game. I enjoy the end zone displays. They are humorous. Wes Welker's angel was a great role model for children of all ages!
I had hoped this wasn't a parody, but it just gets sillier as the read progresses.
Oh well.
In all seriousness, these boy-men are in no way "heros" or "roll models" for our kids. They're overpaid, pampered, whiney cry babies.
"Here, kid, here's millions of dollars- go act like a kid with it". And that's just what they do.
I've never watched "team" sports, and never intend to. If that's what we want our children to aspire to, then god help us.
I hate football. Its so boring.
Wow, thanks for giving us the skinney on the whole deal, what a shame, the snow angel evoked childhood memories of yesteryear. Wow, the NFL chooses sure gave the stink eye to a whimsical event, it could be that Wes had to lay a gasser that burled out of his nether areas? Who knows! But for the NFL to blow a gasket over it is down right po-ta-toe!
But go ahead clean up the game, heard about these new rules online intended for 09.
1. If your team is winning by more than 18 points you have to take out your 4 best players also known as "franchise players"
2. No heavy boys running the ball or playing linebacker
3. QB may not run with the ball
Post-Touchdown Behavior:
player will gently hand the ball off to an assistant and player may utlilize a pretend light saber, at most.
Halftime Rules:
This valuable time will be used for players to solve fiendish japanese pocket puzzles. Players may group-up.
Audience and fans will be allowed to listen to an Ipod and/or Twitter quietly.
Athletes are, no matter how they act, dumb role models for kids. Being able to run fast or throw a ball accurately carries no life lesson for kids. I think sports guys should be allowed to do whatever they want as long as they perform their jobs well. No one fines CEO's for moral failings and in my book they transgress more often and with greater consequence than the occasional dance in the end zone.
This nonsense about "what will the kids think" doesn't apply to any other profession, and I don't see why professional athletes need to shoulder a burden that truly belongs to parents.
If you want your kids to watch role models try taking them to the local fire station and leave the pro athletes alone..
Ask any Bears fan,,, Damn right it is the No Fun League ....
playing football in the rain and muddy or snow has got to be one of the funnest things ever.
looked like the guy had a genuine moment of childlike joy. can't be having that!
No Fun League
NFL has to keep it's eye on the prize. Shoveling in as much money as possible.
Any distractions must be abolished.
Maybe they should play on rollerskates
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