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David Horton Headshot

Eyes Right

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Gotta feel sorry for right wing columnists and shock jocks. Well, I do anyway. Arguing a leftist/progressive viewpoint is easy. You just check out the facts of the case, and of course since facts have a liberal bias, the column or blog just writes itself. You sit there, at the keyboard, and the arguments make themselves, the facts fit into place, the conclusion draws itself. There, all done, a day's writing finished in time for morning coffee and cookies.

But if you are a right wing blogger the work must be excruciatingly hard. You have a topic in front of you -- global warming, immigrants, Iraq, gun laws, gay marriage, the economy -- but the words just won't come. Beads of sweat glisten on the forehead, and the finger nervously runs inside the shirt collar, trying to loosen it a little. Whichever way you try to begin the facts keep getting in the way.

And instead of being able to let those facts just write the article, every fact has to be pushed down, got out of the way, misrepresented, twisted, ignored, statistics used selectively, lies told. Even on a good day all that work must take you at least until lunchtime, perhaps even mid-afternoon, and you still haven't been able to start actually writing the piece.

But now, facts out of the way, the blog can begin. The globe is no longer warming, the surge is working, more guns are good for society, gay marriage will lead to bestiality, money trickles down from rich to poor if only the Paris Hilton tax cuts are big and permanent. Even so, it still doesn't write itself. Logic must be twisted, arguments turned upside down, other opinions ignored. And worst of all you have to constantly think up new insults for progressives even though everyone knows they are terrorist-loving panty-waisted latte-sipping gay atheist socialist traitors who want to arm the criminals and disarm the conservatives. Insults are hard, new insults even harder. You can check out what Bill and Sean and Ann and Michele are using, but if you just copy that they might take over your morning radio slot or NYT column, so you have to modify, add new adjectives, think of more outrageous descriptions of these traitors, in order to stay ahead of the pack of wolves.

I think, on an average day you would be lucky to finish all that in time to meet Karl or an Exxon executive for the weekly dinner. But you must meet them to get tomorrow's topic. And the next morning the whole process starts again.

Who says they are paid too much?

All love and no money on The Watermelon Blog, it's just too easy to write.