What happens when we are so focused on what is wrong with our love-life that we stop even considering that it can be different? Two women came into my office almost 10 years ago, one week apart, with almost the same situation, and left knowing the three things YOU will want to know about love before Valentine's Day.
I am a Change Agent, and I coach people who want to make a difference in the world. This time of year, I'm also an Enrolled Agent who prepares over a thousand income tax returns each tax season. Yes, believe it or not, the two often intersect. Money, therapists will tell you, is a "presenting issue." My work has most meaning when I can combine what I do, and help clients in ways they could not imagine when they walked in the door. I joke that clients come in to have their taxes prepared, and leave feeling better about their moms. It happens frequently.
The first of the two women was strikingly beautiful, and in a very unhappy marriage. Her husband was depressed and not working, and she was taking care of him. She felt it was more of a "mother/son" relationship than "husband/wife." She felt that she was the man of the house, and she wanted him to be the man. She made all of the money, etc. She wanted to be taken care of, and he was not doing so. Yet, she is a very strong woman, and she was modeling her mom, who also was a strong woman who took care of her family (though not to this degree).
She told me that she took her husband out for her own birthday recently, because he didn't have any money. This was very upsetting to her, and she gave him an ultimatum: he has two months to find a job.
Yet, she somehow felt responsible for him, and felt badly when she thought about how he would feel if she left. I told her that this was a hallucination: She was hallucinating -- guessing, really, no more than that -- about how someone else was going to feel as a result of something she did.
I pointed out that I truly could not change her, and she could not change him, and he could not change me. We can only change ourselves. And if that change in ourselves compels someone else to want to change to keep up, all the better. Then I set out to help her change herself.
The issue here, as I understood it, was not really about money (though she came to me to prepare her tax return!). It was really about how she was feeling, how she could feel better more of the time, and about love.
There are, really, only three things that determine how we feel: how we hold ourselves physically, what we focus on, and what we say to ourselves, or our thoughts. She was focusing so much on what was wrong that she wasn't focusing on what she wanted. I had her put both hands out to either side, palms up. In one hand, I had her imagine that in it was everything she wants. In the other hand, I had her imagine everything that she didn't want. And when she looked at what she didn't want and focused on it intently, everything in the hand that had what she did want disappeared. We get what we focus on.
So I had her close her eyes, and focus on what she does want: love. I had her feel the love that was already inside her. I had her make it stronger, and stronger, with a big smile, and I had her anchor it, so she could feel that deep love within her whenever she wants (reminding her that if she really was serious about it she would practice this a few hundred times!).
Here is where I added what I believe is my own take on the subject: Since all the love she needs is within her, she doesn't need anyone else to be able to feel all the love she needs. Relationships are for sharing love, not for providing love. And she got this.
This, though, led to another question: She believes that men shrink away from strong women, even strong beautiful ones. She has learned to repress her strength while engaging in relationships, for fear that her strength will repel men from her. As a result, she has found men that are not strong enough for her, and then feels resentful of what she brought upon herself!
She asked, "Are there really men out there like that?" I replied that I am one, but I'm taken. She laughed. I assured her that I'm not the only one, either.
I reminded her that she is in New York. There are eight million people in New York. Even if what she is looking for is one in a million, that means that there are seven more just like him!
The point that I was getting at, that she finally understood is that there were 3 things she had to realize:
- All the love she needed was within her.
- Therefore, she didn't need a man in her life, though it would be wonderful to share her love with someone who could be the man of her dreams, who was strong enough to let her feel her feminine side and be feminine, without feeling threatened by her strength.
- Since she didn't need a man, she didn't have to compromise herself by hiding her strength in order to settle for someone she didn't want, just to have a man in her life.
So I recommended that she present herself the way she is, not the way she hallucinates that someone else would like her to be. She asked me what she should do when she realizes that the person she is with is not strong enough. Does she hide away her strength just to be with that man? I replied that she should use one word:
"NEXT!"
She laughed. But that word made all the difference to her. By understanding that, she understood her own power. That one word triggered within her the concept of "abundance" versus "scarcity." If this guy isn't the right one, then the next one might be. If not, it will be someone else. But she maintains her strength, her dignity, and her integrity in the process, knowing that she never had to compromise herself to get what she wants or needs.
I had her close her eyes again and ran through a few processes to anchor all of this in. She took her completed tax returns, and left. When she came back two years later, she introduced me to her new husband, a Harvard educated banker. As they sat together in my office, she was glowing. She found someone strong enough for her. She did not settle. She told me that when she tried to be the man in the relationship, he reminded her that he was, not her. He was strong enough for her! She was in exactly the right place. It was clear that they were both deeply in love. She found the man of her dreams.
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The following week, yet another unhappy woman walked into my office, telling me that her life was miserable, that her husband didn't love her, rarely worked, was never home, was taking advantage of her, and she was coming to the conclusion that he was only using her to get a Green Card.
I had heard this story before - not from the woman who was in a week earlier, but from this same client - last year, and the year before that. So I decided that maybe she was trying to tell me something.
There is an interesting thing about "problems." People have them, and certain significant problems can be self-serving and self-perpetuating. Sometimes, people define themselves by the problem they have, and are actually reluctant to solve it because somehow the problem has become part of "who they are." It becomes part of their identity. It is something they are certain about, that allows them to connect with other people who will commiserate, and gives them a sense of significance. If it does all of that, how can they let it go?
The answer is to understand that if it continues, year after year, it will cause much more pain than any pleasure that might come from it.
With this woman, as well as the previous one, I made sure that she understood the consequences of maintaining the status quo. I asked her to imagine what her life would be like in a year, if nothing changed. What would she look like in the mirror? Would she have more energy, or less? What would her children think of her? How about in five years? Or ten years? When she realized that this had to change, and had to change now, I saw that she needed a slightly different resource from the woman a week earlier. The earlier one was strong, and needed to feel the love inside her. This woman needed strength.
I had her access the strength that was inside her, by remembering times in the past when she was really powerful, and to be able to connect to that feeling at a moment's notice, so that she would be strong enough to deal with her husband.
I shared with her the same three points that I shared earlier, and I share them with you, the reader, now:
- All the love you need is within you, as you read this. In fact, it is always there, all the time.
- Since all the love you need is within you, all the time, therefore, you don't need a man in your life (or a woman, depending), to provide you with love -- though it would be wonderful to share your love with someone who could be the person of your dreams.
- Since you don't need a man or woman in your life to provide you with love, then like her, you don't need to compromise yourself by hiding your strength - or intelligence, or any other attributes -- in order to settle for someone you didn't want, just to have a man or woman in your life.
When I was done, she told me that her son is in therapy, and I'm a better therapist than the one he has. I blushed. I'm not a therapist. But change occurs, nonetheless.
This same woman came back again two months later to have her son's return prepared, and she was a different person. She told me that she feels terrific and strong and wonderful, and she told me this with a smile.
She told me that she filed for divorce. When she did, he came running, crying, telling her how much he loves her, etc. Now, she says, he's a model husband! Before I could express my delight in her situation, she added: "And I DON'T CARE. I can't get hurt anymore!"
It takes a long time to rebuild trust, and she does not really trust him - how can she? "But I can't get hurt anymore. The divorce papers are filed. If he is out of line, he is out of here. Before, I did everything possible to make the marriage work. Now, it doesn't matter."
As I told the first woman in my earlier post: I can't change her, she can't change him, he can't change me, but we can change ourselves enough to get the other person to want to change himself. He used to work sporadically as a cab driver -- and since she was the bread winner of the house, he would work only when he felt like it, living off of her work. He would sleep in, miss rush hour, and then say that it wasn't worth it to work since he missed the busy time. "Now," she tells me, "He is out the door at the crack of dawn!"
She doesn't know if he really and truly loves her, as he says he does, or if he is as attached to the concept of scarcity as she once was. But she DOESN'T CARE. She is not emotionally invested in him, or the relationship. It is no longer a barometer of who she "is." You can see how much lighter she holds herself, how much happier she is, how much stronger she is, when she is no longer dependent on what someone else is feeling for her own strength.
"Before," she told me, "I couldn't talk to anyone. I was hiding my feelings from my family, pretending everything is okay. I needed a push." So I pushed.
She said, "It's a miracle!" I blushed.
It's not a miracle -- it's magic. It's the magic of abundance. It's the magic of "NEXT!" It's the magic of knowing that if this doesn't work, there is always something else, or someone else. He needs her, now, much more than she needs him.
Did her story end where everyone lives happily ever after? No. Sadly, she is not Cinderella. Once her husband got the green card, he left, as she expected him to do. Since then she has had challenges in her life that would stress the best of us, yet she can smile every year when she comes back, as she tells me her situation. She can smile because she knows that she is more than enough, and has more than enough resourcefulness insider her to handle everything with strength, and without shame. Because she knows, still, that all the love she needs is within her, and all the strength she needs is within her, and she thanks me every year that she comes in, for one talk I had with her almost 10 years ago that made all the difference.