Those who have read any of my previous Huffington Post blogs know that I am a single father of 4-year-old twin girls. They are the center of my world. When I decided I was ready to be a parent, I thought long and hard about what kind of parent I wanted to be. I knew it wasn't going to be easy -- my mother always says, "that being a good parent isn't always easy. Saying no (when necessary) is much harder than saying yes." As my daughters get older, those words ring in my head louder every day. For all parents out there with toddlers, you're familiar with the phrase the "terrible two's." When Emilia and Francesca turned 2, I braced for the storm times two, but it never happened. Turning 3 was a different story -- the boundaries are pushed and my patient parenting skills have been tested over and over again. All the while, my mother's words echo clearly in my head.
The world has changed so much since I was a child. We live in a society that is too often focused on the urgent and not the important. Simple acts of kindness, "taking care of our neighbor," is often overlooked as we rush off to work constantly working on or looking at our smartphones and being oblivious to the world around us. Sadly, when I'm not walking with my daughters, I often fall in this category. This brings me to the title of this post -- "Lessons of Gratitude." As I mentioned, I am a single Jewish father of 4-year-old twin girls (sounds like the opening of a dating site profile). We are towards the end of celebrating Chanukah -- The Festival of Lights. My daughters are celebrating their fifth Chanukah, and being the youngest granddaughters, nieces, and my only children, they are inundated with presents galore. I include myself here as I have given and still have a bathtub full of presents wrapped for them. In principle, this doesn't sound like such a bad thing, but the reality is that there is such a thing as "present overload" -- that moment when your child's eyes "glaze over" and you have lost them in this frenzy of unwrapping every last present in sight. Arms flailing, shards of wrapping paper being strewn across the floor, leading ultimately to, "are there any more presents?" Sadly, those five words are not preceded by either "thank you," nor hugs and kisses. There is no joy or appreciation for what has been presented to him or her.
This very thing happened this past Saturday night while at my sister's house. After a lovely dinner, it was time for the present procession, and the rest... well, it inspired me to write this blog post. As my daughters started ripping open presents, I saw it happening. Instead of appreciating each present as they opened it, they threw it aside to open the next one -- sadly, no appreciation, and no gratitude. They weren't acting like the beautiful, polite, sweet girls I raised and knew. When we left my sister's house, I tried to explain to them what they had done (or not done) and stress the importance of appreciation and the concept of gratitude. I got up early on Sunday morning to surprise them with their "big" present from me -- an electronic piano. As I was pushing the piano out of my bedroom, they woke up and greeted me in the living room. There was no excitement, no thanks and no hugs. Where was the gratitude? I was so disappointed! I called them into the kitchen to tell them there would be no more Chanukah presents. We talked about gratitude and appreciation and what it meant to them. We spoke about the homeless man we had passed on the street the day before without any shoes living on the street in a box. New York City is a place where there is a great disparity wealth. I have raised my daughters to look, see and understand all of the things surrounding them. There is a homeless man that has been in my neighborhood for over 20 years. Whenever Emilia, Francesca and I pass him, we stop, and I have them each give him some money.
I don't want you getting the wrong idea of me. I am all for giving and receiving a good present. But, as my grandmother used to say " G-d gave us two hands -- one with which to give and the other to receive." As a child born into great poverty, my grandmother taught her children and grandchildren to respect and appreciate all of the bountiful things presented to us. When we wasted food, we were told that someone, somewhere in the world was starving. At the time, it seemed a rather heavy burden to bare, but I have caught myself using those same words when Emilia and Francesca pile food in their plate and don't finish it.
In this time when so many of us often get caught up in the urgent and lose sight of the important, take time out today to stop and think of all of the reasons you have to be grateful. Go home today and have your children write down five things they are most grateful for. A little gratitude goes a long way....
As a postscript, I talked to Emilia and Francesca this morning about gratitude and it was a thoughtful, honest, beautiful conversation. I have decided that for the last night of Chanukah (December 4th), I will be giving each of them one present after we light the candles. I am so grateful for my daughters, my parents, my friends, and last but not least, my health.