The world sucks as much as it did last year, so here's the redux on last year's holiday special. With luck, and the blessing of the Holy Spirit (Roger Ailes), perhaps this will become an annual tradition for you and yours.
Open on a set of a humble working-class home -- a Christmas tree, lovingly decorated, stands to one side, a roaring fireplace exudes holiday comfort on the other. In the center sit two easy chairs, in which BILL O'REILLY and SEAN HANNITY are seated. They wear festive sweaters.
O'REILLY (attempting to exude warmth): Good evening, everyone, and welcome to A Fox News Christmas. I'm TV's Bill O'Reilly. (O'Reilly doesn't really do warmth too well.)
HANNITY (attempting to exude warmth): That's right, Bill. You are. And I'm Sean Hannity. Tonight, we're going to celebrate the reason (dramatic pause) for the season. (Hannity doesn't do warmth very well, either.)
O'REILLY: That's right, Sean -- Christmas was created so that we could churn up a sense of misplaced seething outrage over the acts of liberals and secular humanists who we think are wedging themselves between our abilities to observe this sacred holiday season the only way it should be celebrated: with zealotry, a sense of White Entitlement and a haughty, withering judgment of those who don't believe precisely what we do. (Canned laughter.)
HANNITY (chuckles desultorily): Too true, Bill. Hey, do you think those Christmas cookies are ready yet?
O'REILLY: Let's go check. (They amble over to a kitchen set and don holiday aprons and oven mitts adorned with reindeer and shredded copies of the Constitution. HANNITY opens the oven.) Careful, they're still hot. Like that gay-marriage issue.
(HANNITY chuckles desultorily and pulls out a tray of cookies shaped like snowmen, candy canes, crucifixes, firearms, coat hangers and bright-orange cookies shaped like gingerbread men.)
HANNITY: I'm going to try the John Boehner cookie. (He does.) Mmmm -- tastes like patriotism!
O'REILLY (also trying a Boehner cookie): And melanoma! Wait -- do we have a visitor? Oh, look -- it's Steve Doocy!
(STEVE DOOCY enters, wearing a scarf and a similar sweater and wiping fake snow from his hair, to canned applause.)
DOOCY: Hey, guys! Merry Christmas! It's freezing out there -- whoever says there's global warming must be a liberal secular humanist who hates Christmas so much they want to wipe out winter weather patterns! (Canned laughter.) Oh -- cookies! Can I try one? Those coat hangers look delicious!
HANNITY: Why, certainly, Steve! But not before you grace us with a song!
DOOCY: Oh, you guys! (Canned laughter. And then, in a sweet, high tenor, he sings plaintively to the tune of "Silent Night.")
Violent night, protest night
Liberals flee at our sight
They are socialist, fascist and cruel
We will stomp them, show them to be fools
We must wipe them all ow-out,
We must wipe them all out.
O'REILLY (still not quite warm enough): That was beautiful, Steve. Just gorgeous. For that, you get two cookies. (Canned laughter.)
DOOCY: Yummy! I better eat them quick, before the government comes in and takes them and gives them to welfare queens, like they want to do with their socialized medicine! (Canned laughter. DOOCY starts gobbling the cookies.)
HANNITY: While Steve's enjoying his cookies, here's Glenn Beck with the story of the First Christmas. Hey, at least Jesus provided his birth certificate, so we know he was really born in Bethlehem, am I right? (Canned laughter and applause.)
(Cut to a set of a rumpus room filled with smiling white children all wearing festive holiday sweaters. Before them stands GLENN BECK, pacing nervously, peripatetically in all directions, and before BECK is a chalk board featuring a dense flow chart cluttered with words like "oppression," "census???", "tyranny," "sheep," "Jews," "Wise men? Really???", "gold," "sheep," "Obamacare," "buy gold now!!!", "manger," "Stalinism," "sheep -- omigod, yes, sheep," "oligarh," "goldline.com," "jawbone of an ass" and "ACORN.")
BECK: Hello, children. Today, we're going to talk about the day Jesus was born. Don't you think it's strange that he was born in the Middle East and not America? Is it just me? Well, there's a good reason for that -- when Mary and Joseph, which are wonderful Anglo-Saxon names, were about to celebrate the birth of their first-born, who was not conceived out of wedlock because the abstinence-only sex-education programs back then were working quite well, the racist brown-skinned people who ran the government ordered an arbitrary census that forced them to go to Bethlehem, even though there weren't enough nice hotel rooms and so they had to stay in a manger! A brown-skinned government oppressing an upright, white-skinned family? Does that sound familiar? Anyone? Am I the crazy one here?
(Cut to: O'REILLY and HANNITY eying one another warily.)
BECK: And so Joseph and Mary went to Bethlehem, where stringent government regulations championing so-called employee well-being had spelled the end of America's steel industry, and the government hadn't planned for the influx of people and so they were forced into a FEMA concentration camp! They had to live among animals -- black-skinned government officials and camels and cows -- and that's where Mary was forced to give birth! It's amazing Jesus didn't contract AIDS or monkey-pox there, but that's due to the divine hand of God intervening, because in his infinite wisdom he knew that without Baby Jesus, Wal-Mart's Black Friday sales wouldn't prove so profitable! Folks, am I the only one who can connect the dots?
(Cut to: O'REILLY and HANNITY.)
HANNITY (sotto voce): Jesus, if I knew batshit-crazy would've made me the Voice of the Conservative Movement, I could've done that years ago.
O'REILLY: I thought I was doing that already, and then he comes along.
BECK: And is it just me -- what do I know? -- but then these "Wise Men" come along with gold to give Jesus in case the Roman Empire comes crashing down on his freedoms? What does that tell you? It says our paper money is worthless, folks! It says, go to goldline.com and put all your savings into gold! Because the endtimes are coming, and who do you want to trust - the Federal Government or me? Pray on it, and then go to goldline.com, or if their servers are busy, frankincenseandmyrrh.com! Oh, and ACORN! (Foaming at the mouth, BECK collapses to canned laughter and applause.)
HANNITY: Unfortunately, that's all the time we have. Our apologies to Greta Van Susteren, whose interpretive dance to the "First Dude" will have to wait until next year.
O'REILLY: In the meantime, Merry Christmas, everyone. And remember: It's not God's will until we say it is.
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