10/12/2010 12:04 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Memo From Jesus: Here's Precisely What I Would Do

Dear Friends,

It has recently (and, I confess, somewhat belatedly) come to My attention that on Earth, speculating on My possible activities has become something akin to a parlor game -- what would I do? What would I not do?

Such conjecture has reached a point so hysterical of late that I feel the need to clarify some issues. Not long ago, one of my ostensible if somewhat unnecessarily zealous followers insisted that I would have allowed a brother's home to burn to the ground simply because he had not paid a nominal fee to Caesar of 18,420 drachma (in contemporary conversion rates). Let me point out that I did not check to see if Lazarus had insurance before bringing him back from the dead, nor did I evoke the specter of Karl Marx when I fed the multitudes with loaves and fishes. (Can I let you in on a little secret? I was allergic to fish, which sucked as that more or less served as people's sustenance back in the day. I inherited that from My Dad, who was allergic to shellfish, which explains all that Don't-Eat-Shellfish stuff in the Old Testament. He really thought He was trying to help out. Medical science has really advanced since then. That didn't prevent me from employing the term "fishers of men" as part of my campaign, though, because I knew that'd resonate with the populace. I was the Don Draper of My day.)

Anyway, so like I was saying, there seems to be a lot of misunderstanding as to what I would and would not do today, two millennia after my death. And so I would like to try to clear that up.

What I Would Do

1) Have My feet massaged by hookers using their hair and exotic oils. (I know, this one sounds fairly kinky, but have you ever tried it? Heaven.)

2) Help people out when they needed it without complaining or condemning it as communism or avoiding it by quoting Ayn Rand -- really, it's nice you went to college and all, but still? Tweens don't continue to quote the Berenstain Bears. High school kids aren't still quoting Judy Blum.

3) Make one of those "It Gets Better" videos. Because I cannot tell you how many times, when I was a teenager, I would confide to someone that I suspected that I was Mankind's Savior, and they responded, "That's so gay!" (Of course, given how things turned out on Earth for Me, I may not be the most reliable spokesman for the cause.)

4) TiVo every episode of Mad Men.

What I Would Not Do

1) Be intolerant of others, regardless of where they land across the ideological spectrum, without knowing precisely their entire life stories. I thought I had covered this fairly comprehensively in Matthew 7:1, "Judge not lest ye be judged," but apparently more clarification is necessary. I would not condemn others for whatever ill-informed, histrionic, extreme and bile-laden opinions they might embrace, but instead attempt to divine what incidents in their past brought them to such beliefs or prejudices, and then, summoning Platonic intellectual insights and logic and evincing the good that mankind is capable of, attempt to reach a harmonious philosophical accord -- oh, Me. I've lost all of you on this point, haven't I?

Oh, well, on a more mundane level, I'd definitely live in a more meteorologically temperate zone than what I came to call the Unholy Land. You are doing something to keep it from getting hotter than Hell here on Earth, right?

In My Love,