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The Real Reason I Didn't Wish My Wife a Happy Anniversary on Facebook

06/29/2015 10:01 am ET | Updated Jun 22, 2016

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The real reason I didn't wish my wife a happy anniversary on Facebook is simple, BECAUSE I F*CKING SAID IT IN PERSON!!!

My wife and I are not in a long-distance relationship. I see her every day when I wake up, when I go to bed and, almost always, in between. On the weekends, our IRL interactions are practically non-stop. It's almost like we live together. Oh right, we do. She is not a "Facebook friend" who I sort of recognize from middle-school and reluctantly accepted a request from. She is the woman with whom I decided to spend my life and to have children with. Yet, I felt like I should say something via social media. It's just what is done these days.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, did it make a sound?

If an event takes place in real life and you don't post the pictures to Facebook, did it really happen?

I decided not to post pictures or even mention it. (I know, I'm mentioning it now. I'm saying something about not saying anything. Screw you. It ain't romantic, so it don't count. Besides, I have a blog, I have to write SOMETHING.)

Writing a message on her wall felt contrived, like a mini-performance piece. It wouldn't be for her, but for our friends, family and loose acquaintances. I could have gone mushy (I've done it before), thrown in an inside joke or two and ended with an "I love ya, honey!" But why? To inspire others with our undying love? Blech.

Everyone knows that most of the shit on Facebook is utter or near-utter bullshit, anyway. If Facebook was an actual book, it would have to be categorized as historical fiction. The stories are inspired by actual events, but they're far from the truth. People put their best face forward and don't discuss the bad stuff. Whenever I see some sanctimonious proclamation of love pop up on my screen, I scroll right on past. I'd rather see another cat meme.

I'm not saying you shouldn't wish your loved ones a happy anniversary, birthday, Valentine's, Mother's, Father's or Sibling's Day on Facebook, even if you did already say it on the phone, via email, text message, Twitter and/or in person. Do whatever the hell makes you and your significant other happy. If posting something on Facebook about our anniversary made my wife feel special, damn right I'd do it!

Luckily, she thinks it's stupid, too.

I love that woman.

I better tell her in person. Everyone knows, the articles on HuffPost are also mostly bullshit.