My fellow Republicans... I rise in opposition to Comrade Obama's insidious, socialistic "stimulus" plan. This gigantic pork-barrel bill is a shameless giveaway of the public's money to the working class and poor. But I don't need to tell you that, you who voted for President Bush's noble -- and successful! -- tax cuts which so incentivized our nation's rich and super-rich.
The biggest problem with this irresponsible bill is that only a miniscule 1/3 of it is for tax cuts when that percentage has to be 99%, if not higher! Our Democrat friends never seem to learn this simple lesson; that the best way to increase government revenue is to cut government revenue. Do the Democrats want to continue being on the losing side of history? Under Bush, we had tax cuts; an overwhelming majority of the country has voted for change; clearly they want bigger tax cuts.
Now of course the Democrats will, as always, criticize us for saying that we think tax cuts are the answer to everything. But what our critics fail to provide is a convincing argument as to what crisis cannot be solved by aggressive tax cuts, preferably favoring the "rich" (job-creating) segment of our society.
War: Tax cuts frighten our enemies by showing that the United States is so determined to improve the lives of its largest taxpayers that it will forgo revenue in a time of economic crisis. This is the so-called "Crazy Man" theory, and the following transcript of a secret interrogation at Guantanamo shows how effective it's already been...
Interrogator: "President Bush has just signed a bill giving massive tax cuts to the rich."
Detainee: "In the middle of two wars? You fuckers are crazy! You'll do anything! I give up! Please burn my Koran!"
Education: The perfect way to provide Americans with the opportunity to enroll their children in expensive private schools, many costing up to $30,000 a year, is to give them tax cuts worth hundreds of dollars.
Health Care: By cutting taxes and therefore providing less money for medical research, we incentivize entrepreneurs and small businessmen, the backbone of all innovation, to find a cure for cancer without the burden of red tape and laboratories.
Steroid use: What better way to remove athletes' understandable desire to earn more money by improving performance than by them giving tax relief?
But tax cuts are not some sort of mindless "cure-all"... unless they're combined with vigorous de-regulation. The whole idea of "government" is nothing but a way to let Big Brother restrict our freedoms. And what's the best way to get rid of government?
Tax cuts!
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