My Economic Stimulus Program

08/25/2008 08:13 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Experts are now saying that the $150 billion stimulus package enacted earlier this year was ineffective in boosting the economy. $600 was given to each taxpayer but, evidently, rich people kept the money so they could be $600 richer and poor people lost it almost immediately, or ate it.

Many economists, especially me (I am not an economist), believe the problem is that the money was not "targeted"; that is, sent to people who would spend it effectively. Now that a second stimulus plan is being considered, they (I) believe there's a better way to distribute the money.

Give it to me.

Okay, I know what you're thinking: why should he (I) get all the money? Well, that's the beauty part: I won't. I could do with far less than the original package, a bargain-basement $50 billion, which I promise to spend in fiscally-stimulating ways.

First, I'll pay my rent. For the next 1000 years! Or maybe I'll buy my building. Or my landlord. He'd look good next to my non-working fireplace, don't you think? And I could pay for the fireplace to work.

Next, I'll spend money in the areas a boost is needed. What with buying my building and landlord, and the fireplace, housing's taken care of. Transportation! Frankly, I could stimulate the hell out of that sector: Tahiti, the Bahamas, France -- I'll go anywhere! (Except Mongolia, that place sounds scary.) And to those who say "How does that boost the American economy?" I say "Who's spending the money, dork? An American!"

Entertainment: Are you kidding? I can still see "Batman", like, 20 more times.

Autos: I'll buy a new car every day for a month, which still leaves a billion or so to pay for gas.

After all that, I'll have, what, 20 or 30 billion left so I'll spread it around; wherever I travel, I promise to go to super-expensive restaurants, buy the finest liquor and cleanest prostitutes.

I could go on but does anyone really doubt my ability to do the job? I guarantee that within one month of my receipt of a check for $50 billion, our economy (and I) will be fully stimulated. All at a cost of 1/3 the previous plan, not to mention the savings on stamps and time at the post office mailing 250 million letters.

So please write your congressperson or, if you are a congressperson, note that I'll reserve millions of dollars to support political campaigns. Like your political campaign. Which I'd support by giving lots of money to. Or free rent in my building. Or a chance to slap my landlord around after I'm done.

They say there are no free lunches but my proposal is the free lunch-equivalent of a foolproof economic stimulus plan. Don't believe me? Let's have lunch in Tahiti. I'm buying.

Or, y'know, we could split it.