THE BLOG

Secret Acorn Memo Reveals Vote Fraud Plan

03/28/2009 02:22 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

From: Ex. VP, Destroying Fabric of Democracy Comm.
To: All fraudsters
Re: Fraud

Fellow Fraudsters:

After months of planning, the DFoD Committee has finalized a foolproof evil scheme for massive voting fraud on Election Day. The plan is simplicity itself but must be followed to the letter for most effective fabric-destruction.

Step 1: Submit registration forms with difficult-to-detect fraudulent names such as "Mickey Mouse" and "Batman". Be sure to include nonexistent addresses with ridiculous names (hey, there's no reason we can't have fun while destroying fabric). To save time and energy, register multiple nonexistent names to the same nonexistent address.

Step 2: Deliver registration forms to authorities; be sure to report fraudulent names, knowing they'll do nothing (the fools!).

Step 3: Obtain government ID under fraudulent name; for this, it may be necessary to get Social Security number for Mickey Mouse. (Point out to any skeptical government bureaucrat that it would be unAmerican to deny Mickey Mouse a weekly pension in his old age which for a mouse is, shockingly, 18 months.)

Step 4: Obtain proof that nonexistent person lives at nonexistent address; for this, it may be necessary to lobby local government to rename already-existing street or, ideally, build new one.

Step 5: On Election Day, simply bring in ID and vote! (Remember to locate your fake address in rich white area so you won't be unnecessarily delayed when voting.)

Step 6: Sit back and enjoy the unravelling; evil cackle optional.