Republicans: "On the 12 Days Before The Election"

07/30/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

1. The oil companies will lower gas prices before the election and then increase them right after the election. To add insult to injury, station windshield squeegees will be eliminated.

2. The Bush administration will be filled with demonstrative bluster and talk about troop withdrawal from Iraq. After the sweeping photo-op, those troops will be given a Pentagon swag-bag and rotated directly to Afghanistan.

3. By election day, McCain will be saying "Bush Who?" He will be reminded at the polling booth.

4. Vice President Dick Cheney will give a outrageously out-of-touch militant speech in October. No pesky facts or statistics will be employed. When questioned, he will sneer his lip, say, "So?", pull a shotgun and accidentally shoot Wolf Blitzer.

5. There will be a terror alert in October. It will pass "red" and go to "I'm-not-kidding-duck-and-cover magenta" by Halloween.

6. Obama will be accused of being a radical Christian, a fundamental Muslim, an anti-American, weak on defense, strong on appeasement, too effete and too street. John McCain will say "my friends" and yet again confuse "Sunni" and "Shia."

7. Joe Lieberman will do the impossible and actually convince a still-angry electorate that Al Gore losing in 2000 was not as tragic as originally perceived.

8. The aforementioned Gore will be canonized, organically bronzed and officially apologize for his vice-presidential choice in 2000. (see above)

9. A desperate 11th-hour Republican led-event around Global Warming, sponsored by Exxon-Mobil, will be aired on Fox-TV. To boost telethon donations, an endangered Polar Bear will be recruited to dance while an appeal is made to drill in the Arctic Circle.

10. Pat Boone, Pat Sajak, Chuck Norris and Charlton Heston's ghost will campaign for the Republicans. No one will notice.

11. Rush Limbaugh will lie, Bill O'Reilly will lie and yell, Sean Hannity will lie and yell and dissemble to the point where he actually implodes on camera, finally giving Alan Combs his first full two minutes of airtime. Ann Coulter will avoid crucifixes, garlic and daylight. Bill Kristol will write yet another inaccurate op-ed for the New York Times. Due to felonious transgressions, Karl Rove will be forced from his post at Fox News and into a cell at Guantanamo Bay, where much to his dismay, he will discover that waterboarding is indeed torture.

12. Senator Lindsey Graham will finally be coerced to get off of Senator McCain's lap to head up "Youth for McCain." Phil Graham will tell him to stop whining.