I had a major epiphany a few weeks ago while playing with our family's chocolate toy poodle, Leroy Brown. I realized that he's just trying to be happy. Sometimes when he's trying to be happy, he makes me happy -- like when I go to the grocery store and come back and he acts like he hasn't seen me for weeks. He's so excited to see me that he jumps up on me and we just really have a love-off and have fun together. Other times, when he's just trying to be happy he is annoying to me -- like when he's already eaten his meal and my wife and I are trying to eat ours. He comes to the edge of the table and whines and barks as if to say, "what about me ... I want your food too!" It may seem obvious, but it is now clear to me that he is actually not trying to annoy us at all -- that is not his intention.
When we see and feel life from somebody else's point of view, I think we can realize that for the most part other people are just trying to be happy in their own life in their own way. Sometimes their pursuit aligns with our own happiness, sometimes it is kind of neutral to us and sometimes it appears to be diametrically opposed to our own experience of well-being.
But it seems that it is actually very rare indeed that other's motivation is to make us miserable and that, conversely, it is rarely our intention to make somebody else miserable. We are usually just trying to make ourselves happy (whether we are good at that or not is another story), and other beings are trying to make themselves happy. It is so simple when you look at it that way.
Sometimes it can be very productive, especially in a difficult situation, to actually switch perspectives and see from the other person's (being's) point of view. What does the situation look like to them? This switch in perspective is the basis for developing empathy. Some people are naturally good at it (like a diplomat or a social worker), and for some of us it can be quite a leap.
There is a Buddhist practice called "exchanging oneself for others" that is intended to cultivate compassion and empathy -- in Tibetan it's called "tonglen." As we breathe in, we bring into ourselves that which is difficult, problematic and upsetting from the other person -- everything we wish we could get rid of. As we breathe out, we send them every good quality -- openness, clarity, affection, peace -- everything we would like to hold onto.
Tonglen is an outrageous practice in that it reverses our normal tendency to include only that which is comfortable and easy and to exclude anything that is challenging or difficult. The result is that we open ourselves further, our heart and mind, and allow for a wider range of what we are willing to include and work with in our lives. Ultimately, this particular meditation is liberating for the person actually practicing tonglen, but due to a possible shift in our attitude it can also benefit others.
Beyond practicing tonglen, we can try to allow our mind to open further and take the shape of the other person's mind. This is full-blown empathy, extreme tonglen in a sense. You can feel their walk, their body language, their energy, their breath, what their hair must feel like, their glasses, their anxiety, their wisdom, their suffering, their confusion, their brilliance, their hopes and fears. Of course, parents do this for their children sometimes without even knowing it. I remember watching my son Ethan in Little League getting a hit and rounding first -- the full rush of excitement, nervous about making it to second base -- no, better stay with a single and be victorious!
Of course that brings up the issue of adding our own projections onto the feeling of actually "becoming" the other person -- imposing our own hopes, fears, anxieties etc. Parents are also famous for that as well. So the idea is to become the other person, filter out your projections to the best of your ability and then just come back into being yourself. You might see the situation somewhat differently at that point!
Your thoughts, comments?
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OTOH, I have employed two young women from Eastern Europe - one from Poland and the other from Russia, who seem to have been born with absolutely NO empathy. They seem to have no ability to understand how their actions or words can appear to others, and take complete umbrage when people react negatively to something they say or do. They can't fathom why someone might have been put off or think poorly of something they did or said. Is this a cultural thing, or a twenty-something thing?
Buddha said if you have two potatoes, eat one and give the other one away ... sounds like your wife is giving them both away and your two young women are eating them both!
All best wishes for you to keep your good sense of humor! David N.
It's my practice that "the compassion we lack for others equals the compassion we lack for ourselves." While "exchanging oneself for others" can cultivate compassion and empathy, to endure and be built upon, it also requires we cultivate compassion and empathy for ourselves. We are all imperfect in our expression of our buddha natures, whether through ignorance or misunderstanding.
It is this imperfection which leads to feelings of isolation and the formation of attachments to the role of others in our lives. It is this imperfection which leads us to not question the assumption another intends to impact our life negatively, or the assumption that our own actions are benign. All that ever happens when we feel conflict with others, is that we are reminded of how imperfect our expression of buddha nature is.
Like Buddhism itself, the expression of one's buddha nature is a process. It is a process with an ever-receding horizon. One is never perfect. One can either demonstrate awareness, which deserves acknowledgement, or demonstrate ignorance, which requires relief.
Which it is depends on who you are talking to, someone who knows what you know and cherishes it, or someone who does not and wishes to know.
I am an open person who is generally intuitive into other peoples feelings.
Please bear with me as this may sound strange. I have certain people in my life that exhibit negativity/toxicity. I can feel waves of negativity coming from from the individuals to the point where I have to shield myself. In some cases the negativity is so sever that it can take me days to recover. How does one show compassion in those instances?
Usually the "toxicity" we experience is our own reaction to other people's suffering and confusion... depending on our own "strength" we can take on a certain amount of that, but it is good to know when we can't and to just allow some buffer in that case between ourselves and that person.
Great bodhisattvas can take on those confusions/toxicity/negativites and help transform some of that energy, but it takes tremendous practice and personal strength and commitment. Obviously we are not talking about co-dependently enabling people to perpetuate negativity and confusion --- compassion can actually be much more ruthless than that.
If you are sensitive, you have to pace yourself, but I would also encourage you to develop the strength of your own practice and stability so you can keep your boat steady in rough waters!
Sending all best, DN
I took my own reaction to certain individuals (those with narcissistic tendencies, negative, and so on) and turned my reaction it into compassion. I looked at the negative people in a different light and saw quite a bit of suffering, hurt and confusion. In other words I dug a little deeper instead of being reactionary.
It is interesting how compassion can diffuse anger. It is enlightening, 'freeing' in a way. I have much to learn, baby steps if you will.
Again, thank you for your response. It is appreciated.
It really works.
Balance is what I need, especially in this world where there is so much negative energy. I am finding that understanding and compassion are a few keys in deflecting the negative.
I will certainly study up on what you wrote. Thanks again!
http://raisingamazingdaughters.wordpress.com
Sending best Debby! DN
I think Tonglen practice can be quite difficult for some people, particularly if they haven't studied and practiced the teachings connected with it. I find some people take to it very easily while others get little benefit from it, at least at first.
The key point to realize (from the article) is that every being wants to be happy, just as I do. The actions I take to be happy often lead to suffering for myself and others because I'm not very wise. The actions others take are similarly unwise, and cause suffering for me and for themselves. This includes my dog, my boss, my spouse, my family, my driving partner, Republicans and Osama bin Laden. If these people hurt me, it is because they share the same ignorance of how to be happy that I have. Realizing this deeply will naturally lead to empathy, compassion and love, even for your greatest enemy, and your compassion will destroy your anger and suffering -- you realize that your enemies have no power to harm you, that it was always you harming yourself.
Like I said, I think this can be a difficult practice for some. Alternatively, one could look at metta (loving kindness) meditation, or meditation on the "Eight Verses of Training the Mind" by Langri Tangpa. These are no less profound but may be better suited for some in cultivating empathy, equanimity and compassion.
I totally agree with you here.... tonglen is advanced and without an understanding of the relationship between emptiness and compassion, and also understanding that compassion is not really a "strategy", it can be very difficult to understand the practice fully.
In my own workshops I teach metta (maitri) meditation way before tonglen as a practical matter. I believe that even a brand new beginner to meditation can learn metta and practice that. Thanks for writing in ! All best, David N.
TF
But within tonglen or maitri practice, actually wishing that person well and putting yourself in their shoes can shift the chemistry in the situation .... the key is our mind getting unstuck .... we can really only work on it from our side anyhow.... In any case, sympathies to you and all best, DN
In a way, all of us are "brain damaged", and all of us are certainly suffering. If you're busy trying to understand other people's suffering, you don't have as much attention to dwell on your own. When people cause us to suffer it is because they're suffering themselves, not because they're happy (even if they might seem happiest when they're causing others to suffer). To go even further, if other people's suffering helps you to develop patience and compassion, you should thank them, especially since they are teaching you to be compassionate at the cost of their own suffering.
thank you -- what timing. what a great reminder. been on a road trip in an enclosed vehicle in hot weather and acting as navigator with various maps and the driver and i have been actually driving each other insane at times but not intentionally -- this post made me laugh and almost cry for this is truly what i needed to remember. he's been trying to be happy, and i've been trying to be happy but in so doing we have actually often times been working almost at cross purposes with each other. thank you for this -- i can laugh now and hopefully he will too. patience. empathy. duh yeah! feels like you just slapped me upside the head . . . but in a good way. hee hee.
p.s. so is leroy brown meaner than old king kong? meaner than a junkyard dog? ;-)
Glad the timing was good for you!
Leroy is, in fact, the baddest toy poodle in the whole damn town... that much I can say
All best,
David N.
Tonglen meditation has proven for me to be the toughest exercise going. I spent frustrating hours trying to move past my own shrill ego-narratives. In the end, it was worth it and I'm glad I pursued it as a dedicated practice for a while.
I like how you mentioned that it's not necessarily an EASY practice to those of us who failed Diplomacy 101. I don't know how many cycles of it I went through, just having to bring myself back and back and back and back again. I really didn't think I was capable of letting go of my anger and resentment.
It's a difficult and time demanding practice (for me for sure) but in the end, it's worth the effort. Much clarity and peace of mind (and heart) was found.
I am grateful for my life training, including exercises like you have offered. In the end, it is about our perception and how to expand it, and to correct and reconnect the misperceptions for clarity.
Yes actors have to develop this kind of perception for sure.... sometimes it's challenging for actors to find stable ground when they're not being somebody else --- that's been my experience (40 years in show biz as a musician, film, tv scoring) .... It's a very challenging profession. For musicians, it can be finding that ground when they're not playing..... I think meditation practice can be a very good complement for whatever else we do in life.... staying grounded even when we are not engaging our passion...... Thanks for writing in! DN