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David Parker

Entries by David Parker

Busting the BCS: 9 Ways to Fix College Football

(12) Comments | Posted October 25, 2010 | 4:03 PM

As another exciting college football season enters the home stretch, we at the Bowl Championship Series are making some adjustments to our ranking formula. As it turns out, there may be a better way to rank college football teams than by combining the opinions of 114 journalists, 59 coaches and...

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Paladino: I'm Going to Gay College

(11) Comments | Posted October 14, 2010 | 1:51 PM

After coming under fire for his anti-gay comments, Republican Carl Paladino announced he would "reach out to leaders of the gay community to educate me on how to better represent my support for the rights of all citizens."

"I'm signing up for gay college," said Paladino,...

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Political Memo: How to Defeat the Tea Party

(3) Comments | Posted September 21, 2010 | 1:37 PM

To: President Barack Obama
From: Concerned Democratic Pollsters

With less than two months until Election Day, we're running out of time to stop the Tea Party Express. Our extensive polling has found only one way to defeat the Tea Party. We need a historical event around which we can...

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Corporate Revenge Fantasies

(3) Comments | Posted August 27, 2010 | 3:38 PM

Ever since JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater inflated that slide and some girl quit her job by writing on a whiteboard, I've been having my own corporate revenge fantasies.

I'd start with the postal service. My local post office looks like that abandoned cabin Kevin...

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Your Perfect New York Summer Day

(2) Comments | Posted July 1, 2010 | 1:32 PM

Summer in New York is a great time to explore all the city has to offer. But if you're a real New Yorker, you're really busy. You don't have all summer to enjoy summer.

So with the help of the many magazines, websites and blogs devoted to uncovering the...

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Global Icing: How Smirnoff Ice Changed the World

(111) Comments | Posted June 11, 2010 | 6:57 PM

Last weekend, I got Iced. For those unfamiliar with this new form of street theater, here's how Icing works: If a bro hands you a Smirnoff Ice, you have to get on one knee and drink the whole thing. But if you happen to have your own Smirnoff Ice, you...

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Arizona's Sanctuary City: Lake Havasu Times

(2) Comments | Posted June 8, 2010 | 2:50 PM

I wanted a vacation free from politics and controversy, so maybe Arizona wasn't the best choice for my Memorial Day trip. Fortunately, I was headed to Lake Havasu, an oasis of nonpartisanship and partial nudity.

At Lake Havasu, nobody seemed worried about Arizona's immigration law. Nobody seemed particularly concerned with...

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Learning from Tiger Woods

(0) Comments | Posted April 14, 2010 | 1:12 PM

Last weekend, Tiger Woods returned to golf with a fourth-place finish at the Masters. Before his successful comeback, Tiger admitted to dishonesty in his personal life. After shooting a 174 in my first round of golf since last summer, I realized my own game might benefit from similar openness.

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ObamaCare: Hazardous to Your Health

(8) Comments | Posted April 8, 2010 | 2:37 PM

A lot of people are happy about health care reform. If you ask me, our country just got a lot less healthy.

When I had comprehensive health coverage, I engaged in all sorts of unhealthy behavior. I smoked. I drank. Sometimes I'd hit myself in the teeth...

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Conan O'Brien Conquers Twitter, Ruins My Day

(0) Comments | Posted February 25, 2010 | 10:17 AM

Earlier this week, I joined Twitter. Within twelve hours, the seven people I was following had started following me. I wasn't an Internet sensation on the level of Ashton Kutcher or a cat blowing out birthday candles, but my potential was obvious. Like unexplained fatigue or a strange rash, my...

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My Road to the Olympics: Wyoming Times

(2) Comments | Posted February 22, 2010 | 1:08 PM

I've always wanted to compete in the Winter Olympics. It's been my dream to win a gold medal and usher in an era of world peace with a well-publicized high-five with a North Korean athlete. My bags for Vancouver were already packed when I got some bad news: sledding in...

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Breaking News: Harry Reid to Run for Senate from New York

(6) Comments | Posted January 13, 2010 | 5:17 PM

Facing a tough re-election fight in Nevada, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has announced that he'll instead run for Senate from New York.

Wearing a full New York Yankees uniform, Reid announced his candidacy outside his new campaign headquarters in Times Square.

"It's been a privilege and an honor...

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How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Health Insurance

(6) Comments | Posted December 7, 2009 | 1:11 PM

Last week, I got a letter from George. George is a regional vice president of individual sales for my health insurance provider. Every time I look at George's mechanically reproduced signature, I'm reminded that insurance companies are people, too.

George is one of the most honest people who has ever...

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Obama Referenda

(0) Comments | Posted November 7, 2009 | 12:18 PM

Even though his name didn't appear anywhere on the ballot, last week's elections were an important referendum on Barack Obama.

In New Jersey, the voters sent a clear message: If Barack Obama were a bearded former investment banker who wore sweater vests and became unpopular for his handling of local...

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Breaking News: Barack Obama Wins AL and NL MVP, Other Awards

(8) Comments | Posted October 9, 2009 | 10:05 AM

In a stunning turn of events, President Barack Obama has swept baseball's postseason honors in both leagues, a feat never before accomplished and long considered impossible.

At a hastily scheduled press conference, Commissioner of Major League Baseball Bud Selig announced that Obama has been named Rookie of the Year, Cy...

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Nous Sommes Tous Americains: France Times

(1) Comments | Posted October 7, 2009 | 5:51 PM

While in Germany and the Czech Republic, I met only one other American: a college student who told me he'd once gone swimming with Michael Phelps. It seemed that the rest of America had stayed home, or at the very least, were avoiding the shadowy bars and clubs where I'd...

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Prague: Monstertown

(6) Comments | Posted September 15, 2009 | 6:06 PM

The cabdriver who picked me up at the Prague train station looked like a cross between Ivan Drago and the punching machine that Drago uses to show how much stronger he is than Rocky. So when he charged me eighty euros--about $115--for a ten-minute ride to my hotel, I thought...

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Berlin Times, Parts Two Through Nine

(1) Comments | Posted August 31, 2009 | 11:17 PM

My schedule in Berlin was strange. Even though I was sleeping on an upholstered piece of plumbing, I rarely got out of bed before the late afternoon. I'd been putting in long hours exploring the city's nightlife.

The first bar I visited was empty except for a middle-aged woman...

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Berlin Times, Part One

(0) Comments | Posted August 18, 2009 | 12:07 AM

When I was planning a trip to Berlin earlier this summer, I decided I wanted to stay somewhere slightly offbeat, a hotel that would capture a bit of Berlin's hip edginess. I picked a place that had been noted for its original design, stylish clientele, and attractive staff.

The hotel...

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Has Change Come to the South?

(0) Comments | Posted June 22, 2009 | 2:06 PM

On a recent Friday evening, I was walking down Bourbon Street in New Orleans when a man tried to sell me drugs by shouting the word "cocaine" into my ear. Then he didn't even stop to see if I wanted any.

I wondered if this uninspired narcotics trafficker were a...

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