Last weekend, I got Iced. For those unfamiliar with this new form of street theater, here's how Icing works: If a bro hands you a Smirnoff Ice, you have to get on one knee and drink the whole thing. But if you happen to have your own Smirnoff Ice, you can block the Icing, and the bro who tried to Ice you has to drink both bottles.
When I was Iced, the only flavored malt beverages I was carrying were a Twisted Tea and a really old bottle of Zima. I had no choice but to kneel down and chug the Smirnoff Ice.
While I was drinking, a police officer showed up and gave me a ticket for public consumption of alcohol. He was like, "You just got fined, bro." When I successfully blocked the fine with an unpaid parking ticket, I realized I might be onto something big.
And I wasn't alone: Icing has quickly expanded to include food as well as drink. When a bro hands you a rotisserie chicken, you have to get on one knee and eat the whole chicken. But then you can hand the carcass to another bro and he has to make chicken stock. He can then use that chicken stock to Chicken Stock another bro, or he can just freeze it for soups or sauces.
If you're smart, you can use Icing to avoid boring or unpleasant tasks. For example, my six-year-old cousin gave me her book report to read. Fortunately, I was carrying my own book report. I hope my cousin likes coherent, fascinating essays on Johnny Tremain and the role of skilled artisans in colonial politics!
I've used Icing to get my apartment cleaned and my car serviced. Icing has also improved my romantic life. I gave an engagement ring to a beautiful woman on the subway and now she has to marry me.
To be sure, Icing has made me a little paranoid. To protect myself, I've started carrying all of my possessions at all times. But sometimes even that's not enough. I was walking down the street yesterday and a bro handed me a baby. He was like, "You just got Babied, bro!" Now I have to raise this baby.
In the coming weeks, the World Cup will give entire countries a chance to Ice each other. Greece has already Iced Germany with a bunch of bad debt and North Korea is basically always Icing South Korea. Will these Icings be avenged on the field? The biggest grudge match may come on the tournament's first weekend, when the United States tries to get back at the British for Icing our ocean and making it drink a billion gallons of oil.
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