McCain and the Clouseau Doctrine (The Fallibility of Infallibility)

INTERVIEWER: Do you agree with the Clouseau doctrine?

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: In what respect, Charlie?

INTERVIEWER: The Clouseau -- well, what do you -- what do you interpret it to be?

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: His world view?

INTERVIEWER: Well, yes, in a way. The Clouseau doctrine, enunciated December 1976, in the Peter Sellers film "The Pink Panther Strikes Again." The doctrine, as I understand it, is that a person needs to deny any fallibility whatsoever and pretend any errors are deliberate. Here, let's just play a clip. We can watch the whole thing. But really we'll only need to see about 35 seconds for you to get the idea.

INTERVIEWER: Right, there it is. That's the Clouseau doctrine in a nutshell: Accidentally, fling yourself down a flight of stairs, jump to your feet despite your injuries, and exclaim, "Well, that felt good!"

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: What's your question?

INTERVIEWER: Do you agree with the Clouseau doctrine?

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: In what respect, Charlie?

INTERVIEWER: Well, you guys lost the election, obviously. I'm just trying to figure out whether you had some overarching plan. The Clouseau doctrine seemed to sum up so much of what you did. I'm thinking of the incident involving Spain.

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: Spain?

INTERVIEWER: The incident in September when a radio interviewer asked Senator McCain if he'd invite President Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero to the White House. Your candidate wouldn't rule it in or out -- even though Spain is one of our NATO allies. Senator McCain said something about having a "clear record of working with leaders in the hemisphere that are friends with us and standing up to those who are not." But Spain's not in this hemisphere. So it seemed to a lot of people that he'd just heard the name wrong or gotten confused.

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: What's your point?

INTERVIEWER: Well, you guys could have acknowledged the confusion. It's a long name. It's Spanish. The interviewer said it pretty fast. It wouldn't have been a big deal. But you guys doubled down. Total Clouseau doctrine. Here. Let me read what a campaign aide told reporters at the time: "There is no doubt Senator McCain knew exactly to whom the question referred."

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: What's your point?

INTERVIEWER: Well, it became kind of this weird, awkward thing -- like maybe suddenly Spain was going to be in the Axis of Evil or something. Wouldn't it have been better to just acknowledge the mistake?

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: As Senator McCain said in his concession speech, every candidate makes mistakes and he's sure he made his share of them.

INTERVIEWER: Right. Everybody makes mistakes. It's no big deal.

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: So what's your point?

INTERVIEWER: Let's move on. How about the pick of Governor Palin? We're hearing reports now on Fox News that -- Well it's just kind of breathtaking. Here let me just read what Fox's Carl Cameron reported from sources inside your campaign. Here's what Cameron said: "We're told by folks that she didn't know what countries were in NAFTA, the North American Free Trade Agreement, that being Canada, the US, and Mexico. We're told she didn't understand that Africa was a continent rather than a country just in itself ... a whole host of questions that caused serious problems about her knowledgeability."

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: Do you have a question?

INTERVIEWER: Well, you guys lost. But you might have won. If you'd won, Governor Palin would have been our vice president. If something had happened to the president, Governor Palin would have become president. Of the United States of America! Did you guys ask yourself at any point whether you should drop her from the ticket -- you know, for the good of the country?

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: Our motto was "Country First."

INTERVIEWER: Right. So it seemed to some people like you, of all people, should put the country first by making sure that your VP was competent, vetted, and knowledgeable.

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: Well, you just have to look at the record. Our motto was "Country First." I think that speaks for itself. Besides, you can't just replace a VP pick like that. And even if you did, how can you be sure the replacement is going to know that the entire continent of Africa isn't just one big country? Where do you find someone like that on short notice?

INTERVIEWER: There's this clerk at the Rand McNally store around the corner from here.

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: Is the clerk a woman?

INTERVIEWER: Yes.

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: Is she 35 or older?

INTERVIEWER: Yes.

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: Can she wink?

INTERVIEWER: Sure. I've seen her wink.

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: Damn.

INTERVIEWER: Sir?

MCCCAIN STRATEGIST: Damn. Damn! Damn!!!

INTERVIEWER: So now, with 20-20 hindsight, would you say it was a mistake not to replace Governor Palin with the clerk from the Rand McNally store?

MCCAIN STRATEGIST: No. Absolutely not. Where would you get that idea? We don't make mistakes.

Comments

[rainforestcanada]

That was hilarious! Especially ending with the Dick Cheney shotgun!

If they ever remake another Clouseau movie Steve Carrell would be perfect - in the rhuuum with his minkey!

[ScottGregory]

HOW DARE YOU INSULT iNSPECTOR CLOUSEAU !!

[jetphixer]

After reading all the remarks from the right , i relay believe they are truly off base with Palin.First the brand is damaged,SECOND she is a fundie an i believe the "REAL Republicans will toss out the fundies They understand what they have done to the party Third Rovian politics are over the country is finished with wedge politics. As an Amateur Astrologer, (hobby), I did a chart for Sister Sera an it has a pattern that people who are USED than toss away . She doest have any indicators that would point to a National picture. She will be fine but not really go anyplace . I believe the people of Alaska will turn on her also. If she does anything it will be something for a fragmented peace of a party the fundies put together// About iot right now I have more but I don't suspect much more from her Palin is spelled --TOAST --

[BlackJAC]

Don't forget the Steve Martin version, where he plans to teach Jean Reno, whose family has been nothing but policemen for centuries, how to be a cop.

[island-in-alabama]

It's not just McCain. The Clouseau doctrine is, and has been, the doctrine that defines the Republican party.

[Mavky]

The scary thing is that Clouseau always comes out ok in the end. . . I hope we are not looking at Gumpish careers here.

[RepugsOut08]

Laugh, liberals!
That's it! Yuk it up! But she'll be back!
Oh yes!
Sarah is your worst nightmare!
Be afraid! Be very afraid!
The next time she won't have a 72 year old has-been weighing her down.
No, she'll be able to be herself! She'll take questions, and she'll answer them without fear.
"Do you believe the Earth is flat, Ms. Palin?"
"Not in Alaska. There's mountains everywhere!" she'll reply.
Pretty good answer, huh, godless liberal?
"Do you believe the Earth is only four thousand years old Governor?"
"Nope, I'm a progressive Republican. I believe the Earth is four thousand years young!"
Sweating now, aren't you liberal!
Enjoy your little victory, liberal, but she's still here, and she'll be watching and waiting.
Plotting her comeback.
Waiting for you to act as if everyone agrees with your your logical view of the world.
What's logic got to do with it?
See you in four years, liberal.

[chaos4700]

I think you mean /eight/ years. She can try her hand at four years if she really wants but she'll lose the election for sure and she won't have McCain to blame it on that time... and then she'll officially be the Albatross of the Republican Presidency. Even so? A second Palin candidacy for President is a "Bridge to Nowhere" we can worry about quite a ways in the future.

Meanwhile, have fun sulking and making an idiot of yourself while we clean up the mess your politicians have heaped on all of us. If it's any consolation, we'll be too busy making all of our lives better (even yours!) to say "I told you so." Most of the time. :)

[chaos4700]

*peers up at the original poster's screen name* Oh! Oh... er... yes. My post was an elaborate satire designed to complement the satire of your post. Of course. I meant to do it that way. Really. ;)

[edh69]

There is only so much lipstick you can put on a pig and that pig just won't fly.

[suvbaby]

Are you suggesting that you can take a substandard IQ and make it something it IS NOT?!!!
FYI This is "no little victory." It's huge, a lot bigger than you and yours.

[BlackJAC]

And what about the porno movie made about her?

[maribelle1963]

>>"Do you believe the Earth is only four thousand years old Governor?"

Now that's just plain silly. Everyone knows the earth is 6,000 years old, not 4,000.

What about the 2,000 years since Jesus came? Are you not counting them?

Why do you hate the baby Jesus?

[GabrielVH]

One word: Hilarious!

[maggieblue]

that was funEEEEE!

[RumiSouth]

I hadn't thought of Inspector Clouseau, but the Palin gaffes did make me think of Pee Wee Herman: "I meant to do that."

[retrocozayshin]

So THAT'S what McCain and Palin was doing! Haven't watched the Pink Panther movies in a long time. Need to queue them up.

[NessieAnnabella]

Extremely funny article, and a classic video clip showing alongside it. Can't get any better than this!

[tompoe]

David: You're hired! Truly inspiring, insightful, creative, and probably a true recounting. Thanks.