Is Mark Sanford America's First Emo Governor?

If you're a late-thirty-something like me, you've spent the last ten years bewildered by "emo," a youth movement celebrating histrionic displays of emotion, skinny jeans, and hair that looks like it was put on backwards.

I'm no emo expert, but I'm pretty sure 49-year-old Republican governors from South Carolina are not its core demographic.

However, as a great man once said, the arc of history is long... but it bends towards Dashboard Confessional.

Emo's moment has arrived.

If Barack Obama is America's first nerd president, surely Mark Sanford is America's first emo governor.

EXHIBIT 1: The scandal. Sanford had an affair with a "dear, dear friend" in Argentina with whom he emailed/texted about emotions and relationships. In his own words: "We swapped e-mails, whatever..." PURE EMO!

EXHIBIT 2: The press conference. In contrast to most politicians' revelations of infidelity -- which unfurl with a defensive, android predictability -- Sanford explored the deepest emotional caves of his being with a teary-eyed grandeur. That he undertook this psychosexual spelunking on live television is pure emo. I raise my lighter to him.

EXHIBIT 3: His vocabulary. Listen to these lines from his press conference; they could only come from the mouth of a man steeped in the proud institutions and noble traditions of emo:

"From a heart level, there was something real..."
--This is basically the First Law of Emo. Sanford gets it. He lives it.

"The biggest self of self is, indeed, self..."
--My understanding is that this is what 90% of My Chemical Romance lyrics are like.

"The odyssey that we're all on in life is with regard to heart..."
--I guarantee a suburban kid has already thought, "Hey, that would look pretty good carved into my arm."

The emotional high/low/head-exploding-point of the press conference was when Sanford admitted to having spent five days crying in Argentina, which is the most emo thing anyone has ever done in all of history. (By the way, "Five Days Crying" is a great name for an emo band, as is another phrase from Sanford's press conference: "Zone of Protectiveness.")

EXHIBIT 4: His emails. Basic human decency prevents me from quoting Sanford's private emails; rest assured they are more emo than Robert Smith's eyeliner.

EXHIBIT 5: His band. During his press conference, Sanford referred to his participation in "C Street" with a "spiritual giant" named Cubby Culbertson. I assume C Street is Sanford's emo band (he looks like a rhythm guitarist) and that Cubby Culbertson is the band's roadie. (The Fifth Law of Rock states that it's impossible for a "giant" named Cubby to not be a roadie.)

EXHIBIT 6: The subtext. Sanford's entire press conference was basically a cover version of this proto-emo classic.

Face it: The man is a living, breathing preview of the Pete Wentz administration.

Comments

[nthelurch]

Funny, but not "Get your war on" funny. I know, I know, you promised to retire it after Obama won. How about you pull a Berkeley Breathed and change the name but keep the characters?

[lupinella]

This made me giggle like a schoolgirl. Funniest post I've read in ages.
Just remember that we goth/punk chicks care for our little emo siblings, except when they're narrow-minded jerks.

[SiberianRat]

LOL, cute article.

[larmarch5]

Sanford is so revealed by the gift he says he is going to give her. She thinks it's something special "to put by my bed?" she types. Uh, oh, no, it's uh, just a movie. The Holiday. The Holiday? Where these two women swap houses in England and Hollywood?

I rented it because it had Kate Winslet. I had to go back to a synopsis to see what it was about. I guarantee, I would not be thrilled to receive this, as a gift no less, from a lover. And she wanted something to put by her bed. This is sad.

[aaronarrows]

Great take on Emoian Sanford. Thanks!

[MrButtons]

Robert Smith (The Cure) is not emo.

[rh69]

what exactly is emo? i didn't realize kurt cobain (sp?) was considered emo either. emo is some term i hear tossed around all the time, but i have never quite grasped the concept.

[Luvial]

Don;t giver nerds a bad name by saying Obama is a nerd. Obama is a slick politician, that's all.

[LeftLeanWing]

can't miss an opportunity for a dig at Obama; could you ?

[mredder4]

Well, they're right. Being a fan of Superman does not a nerd make.

[linque]

Emo

[JTJMOMEDTEK]

This is the funniest article I've read in a long time. I just wish I knew more cool people to send it to who would think it is as funny as I do. Damn I need some new friends.

[jacknab]

Best laugh-out-loud post I've read in a long time. Only thing from the govenor's press conference that confused me-what was he crying about for 5 days? Had he forgotten his male enhancment and/or perforamce pills?

[bowserbois]

You sure you didn't mean Elmo?

[bighat]

See what happens when men share their emotions. Very ugly

[really5]

Sanford must resign!

[squarebird]

Why? Do you really think that every politician who's had an affair should resign?

[OdaNobunaga]

No, but every governor who commits dereliction of duty by disappearing for 5 days and who flies to Argentina on taxpayer dime for secret trysts should definitely resign.

[mfelder]

In Sanford case, he should resign, not because of the affair. I think he is unstable and should be on type of medication.

[johncopeland]

don't cry for me Argentina
i've never left you
i'm vacationing on sullivans island
but i will return
to
my
love
when the divorce is final
xxx
sanford

[aprilfresh]

OMG, this is the funniest HuffPost article I've read in a long time! Rees, I am subscribing to your posts, you're awesome. :)