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David Rees

David Rees

Posted February 25, 2009 | 03:12 PM (EST)

LET'S ALL GET KILLED BY VOLCANOES!!!


Don't know about you, but I am FIRED UP about Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal's speech last night. After "Communist-in-Chief" Barack Obama spoke to Americans like they were a bunch of babies (all the while scheming to steal their money and give it to the banks, which he would then nationalize, meaning he would get a huge year-end bonus), it was refreshing to see a politician who isn't afraid to speak to Americans like they're adults.

I'll admit, I haven't really been paying attention to the USA Leninism Stimulator Act, or whatever it's called. (All I knew was that it cost about fifty quadrillion dollars, and if you started stacking $100 bills on top of each other the day Jesus was born, they'd eventually reach all the way around the equator and into outer space and we'd all be forced to walk to the moon on a stairway of dollar bills made from how wasteful the government is.)

But it took Bobby Jindal's confident, manly speech and ferocious, slashing hand gestures to really bring home to me just how wasteful the Stimulator Package really is.

Did you know the USA government wants to spend your money on something called "Volcano Monitoring?" Are you kidding me?

Like Jindal said, "Americans can do anything," and that includes monitoring our own d*mn volcanoes. Seriously, how hard can it be? It's probably like ice fishing. Just get some binoculars and some graph paper and a thermometer and sit around looking at a stupid volcano and every once in a while, write down some data, like, "The volcano is still sitting there, lookin' like an off-brand mountain with a hole in it. 10 + 50 - 20. Pie chart."

Remember: Americans can do anything. They don't expect the government to fix everything. True Americans aren't afraid of the drama and risk of the free market -- the transformative thrill of creative destruction -- the hot explosion of the unexpected -- the dynamism of having your outmoded assumptions (and your home) buried in the burning lava of innovation -- the full-throated cries of agony as yesterday's losers are turned to ash and new, more productive members of society are birthed!

Ladies and gentlemen, Americans can do anything! Let's prove it to the world! LET'S ALL GET KILLED BY VOLCANOES!

 
 
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08:00 PM on 03/01/2009
I think Jindal was trying to re-ignite the East Coast-West Coast rivalry.
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JShankel
I want my country forward
07:45 PM on 03/01/2009
We don't need to monitor volcanoes. Everyone knows volcanic eruptions are caused by a wickedness of the spirit and sinful backsliding. And teh gay.

More abstinence-only sex ed, a "pray away the gay" crusade weekend every month (with laying on of hands and speaking in tongues) and a Bible-based science curriculum in every school ought to cover it.

Though, I suppose to be "bipartisan," we'll have to let the liberals use their "geological surveys" and "geothermal sounding imaging" and the other assorted immoral witchcraft of scientism.

Actually, now that I think about it, even abstinence-only education is a bit dodgy. For it to work, you have to tell the kids what it is they're abstaining FROM. Can't have that. Better just throw them in the volcano to be safe.
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10:14 PM on 03/01/2009
Good on you, JShankel. Very funny. And what the hell are people doing living near volcanoes anyway? Just because they've been dormant for hundreds of years doesn't mean they mightn't speak up one day soon. You don't see people living in earthquake zones and hurricane areas, do you? Not in the U S of A you don't. Us 'mericans are too smart for that.
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kareemachan
watashi ha tororu ga oroka da to omoi masu。
03:09 PM on 03/03/2009
LOL
06:23 PM on 03/01/2009
Having lived in the shadow of the biggest volcano Yellowstone all my life, within a hundred mile radious, I know that death by volcano is a distinct possiblity. In the last year we have had swarms of tremors and even a few modest earthquakes. The Geological Survey people have been monitering the growing bulge under Yellowstone Lake for some years, maybe tha's where the banksters hid their loot. Mount St Helens would be like a ladyfinger firecracker going off in an ant hill compared to Yellowstone going off, which would be more like a M-80 going off. there'd still be might be some of the anthill left but it would no longer be a hill. On the brighter side of a Yellowstone eruption, it would sure put all this economic doom and gloom into perspective.
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mommadona
I paint. I blog. Therefore, I am.
05:53 PM on 03/01/2009
Well, from what I can see, Yellowstone Caldera is going to blow in our lifetime - so, everybody EAST - Duck!
http://www.earthmountainview.com/yellowstone/yellowstone.htm
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jinjinpinti
"I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused."
05:22 PM on 03/01/2009
From my dining room window here in the city of Tacoma, Wa. I can see, on a clear day, a massive volcano, Mt. Rainier, which towers over the multi million population of the cities and towns and suburbs of western Wa. We have had Volcanists studying it, particularly since it is part of the "Ring of Fire" along with Mt. St. Helens which already blew. That also includes Mt. Hood, in Oregon, Mt.s Baker, Adams and others all within a few hundred miles of each other. Just a lahar crisis would kill many and cause massive destruction, so we believe we need these volcanos monitored because if, say, Rainier were to blow bigtime, the destruction would be just as or more devasting than Katrina.
06:47 PM on 03/01/2009
Same view as you but even closer, sitting on top of a former Lahar. Fortunately volcano events in this region aren't that common. And they are relatively inexpensive to monitor and I'm glad they do. St. Helens gave us a long warning.
The costs of hurricane damage are staggering and occur every year. Perhaps it's time to make that region closest to the water into a National Park. Residents could be backed up inland for greater protection rather than always rebuilding at a staggering cost.
05:01 PM on 03/01/2009
Living within a hundred miles of Yellowstone monitoring a volcano makes some sense I guess. Last year it was shaking like a bowl of Jello with swarms of tremors and modest earthquakes. I know they've be monitoring the bulge that's growing under Yellowstone Lake. Mt. St. Helens would be like a firecracker going off compared to a full Yellowstone blow up and all these economic troubles would be forgetten by those unfortunate to surviv the initial blast.
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04:51 PM on 03/01/2009
Thank you for saying what needs to be said, Mr. Rees! I visited Mt St Helens in 1992, and, other than the fact that it had turned a pristine area into a moonscape for twenty miles out, I didn't think it was so "hot!"
I looked it up on the internets, and it's still just sittin' there mocking the taxpayers. Probably crawlin' with wasteful monitors.
Volcanos? Bobby Jindal has put you on notice. Rumble all you want, but we ain't paying anymore attention to your childish tantrums. Go ahead. BLOW! We're callin' your bluff!
The only thing that I did think sounded cool in Obama's agenda, was that dollar bill stairway to the Moon you mentioned. Then somebody told me how far I'd have to walk to get there, and there ain't even no Starbucks on the way!
No Starbucks in space yet? What the hell has NASA been blowin' all that money on the last sixty years?
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10:29 PM on 03/01/2009
You've caught Starbucks napping.
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zull2
I'm not as here as you think I am?
04:28 PM on 03/01/2009
Bobby Jindal wants to take money purposed for the observation of hurricanes, but he mocks anyone who would want money for geological observation? There's an active volcano in the Pacific NW that has been acting up over the past few years. Potentially, it could cause a major catastrophe throughout the entire region that would make anyone forget Katrina in terms of loss of human life. But because that's not in his neck of the backwoods, he just doesn't care.

A President has to care about every part of the country, not just his own state. Apparently Jindal just doesn't have what it takes. He doesn't even care about the people in his own state when he turns down cash to help the state extend unemployment benefits. It's not like Louisiana has 100 percent employment, there.
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marignymitch
E pluribus unum percent
04:08 PM on 03/01/2009
I support Jindal 100 percent. But while we eliminate volcano monitoring we also must eliminate hurricane monitoring, also known as the National Weather Service. It's only fair and will save even more money.
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10:33 PM on 03/01/2009
And let's not have any research on earthquake monitoring or federal response to earthquake disasters. The people who live in earthquake-prone areas knew what they were doing when they insisted on living in California -- and they're 10% of the national population! Let them pull themselves up by their own wimpy bootstraps! Go, Bobby!
03:31 PM on 03/01/2009
You joke, but this is the downfall of the GOP.

They never consider that Americans might actually WANT the things that they fight against.

Volcano monitoring is just a funny example.
04:59 PM on 03/01/2009
Like Paul Krugman said, the GOP talking heads are like Beavis and Butthead, attacking things just because they sound funny.
Mockery combined with "you're on your own!" mentality is not what Americans want and need. We need help and solutions because we're in a mess from which individuals cannot dig themselves out.
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10:36 PM on 03/01/2009
The "you're on your own" mentality died during the week New Orleans died. It was a tipping point because every American saw what was happening -- except one, GWB -- and had plenty of time to reflect on their own vulnerability. If it can happen there, it could happen here, everyone realized. I maintain that Katrina changed this country for a long, long time.
03:28 PM on 03/01/2009
i could maybe understand this kind of stuff from palin (maybe). after all it took her 6 colleges to get a b.a.

but jindal graduated from princeton and was a rhodes scholar? wtf?!! what was he smoking during all those years of higher education at the world's finest institutions?
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marignymitch
E pluribus unum percent
04:10 PM on 03/01/2009
He attended Brown. Nevertheless the radical mind is impervious to education. We all know that.
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TJCole
02:39 PM on 03/01/2009
The greatest threat to our nation's very existence is The Yellowstone Caldera...!

It would make Katrina look like an inconvenience...despite the lives lost Yellowstone will kill millions... maybe hundreds of millions...

We should be preparing a plan for the survival of as many as possible..
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ariveria
01:31 PM on 03/01/2009
why focus on what we all no are standard republican/conservative positions. why not focus on the major change in republican/conservative positions.

the good gov.jindal came dropped republican/conservative opposition to abortion!!!

"Health care decisions should be made by doctors and patients, not by government bureaucrats."

for the 30+ years it has been the republican/conservative view that when it comes to healt care decisions about family planning the choice should not be made by doctors and patients but by government bureaucrats
02:23 PM on 03/01/2009
heh I think Jindal made this mistake though.. He is on a campaign against bureaucrats...

I highly doubt Jindal is on the side of Doctor/patients vs gov.
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01:10 PM on 03/01/2009
hey, my dad was a foreigner, too. (but he didn't abandon his family.) hey, I have dark skin, too. (but I'm Indian, not Black) hey, I think Americans can do anything, too. (just not together, do it by yourself) hey, my first name begins with "B," too. (well, not my real first name, the one I got from the Brady Bunch) hey, vote for me for president. (Louisiana don't need no steenkin' stimulus money)
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pattyrenee
11:34 AM on 03/01/2009
Don't forget YELLOWSTONE! If it blows, it could END the USA as we know it!
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Axlotl
02:36 PM on 03/01/2009
It's not going to blow. And even if it was, what, we're all going to move to Uzbekistan?
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wolfgangmo
06:20 PM on 03/01/2009
Ladies and gentlemen, for one night only.

Nostradamus.
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Downix
06:58 PM on 03/01/2009
Thankfully the Yellowstone caldera is above the jetstream and east of the rockies. We'd only have the evacuate 7, maybe 8 states, and be able to move back in within 6 months. On the bright side, it would plunge the world into a new Ice Age.