Being new to this Huffington Post thing you and I have some catching up to do. I mean I know you. You're the nice people on the other side of the television screen who watched (and continue to watch) all the shows that I've worked on (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Mad About You, Sister, Sister, The Wayans (co-created that one), Full House, My Two Dads and on and on). And hopefully you'll be the ones who'll be watching my off the charts hilarious new 20 minute comedy short that I just shot (wrote and directed) for my new company "The Wit Protection Program." (Coming to an Internet near you late May 2013).
But you still don't know me. So I've decided to remedy that by offering you a gift. A genuine comedy bargain! I want to give you more comedy in one single post than anyone has ever given you before in the form of a little "highlights reel" of some of my "Today's Useless Thoughts" columns which are brief observations of life that I publish each day to make my friends giggle and laugh like Kim Jong-Un in his skipping barefoot through a flower dotted meadow in matching Vera Wang bridesmaid dresses while holding hands with Dennis Rodman wet dreams.
And it all begins... right now.
David's Useless Thoughts
1. Are the Boston Bombers guilty of sibling riflery?
2. I'm thinking of building an Alec Baldwin piano: it only plays tempo tantrums.
3. If you want to watch The Little Mermaid on an old TV do you need an Arial?
4. I do not support same sex marriage. I mean who wants to have the same sex every night?
5. What you will learn from Google Glass: no man is any eye lens onto himself.
6. I would rather watch Upton Abbey.
7. I think someone should open a shoe store in Hollywood called "Footage."
8. How come Michael Jackson never created "Billy Jeans?"
9. Italy in the new Faught Knox.
10. It seems to me that what the Cleveland Police needed was Amy Smartphones.
11. I vote for Ariel Castration
12. This week was bring your president to Korea day.
13. Last night Paul McCartney and his band were attacked by a swarm of grasshoppers during their concert in Brazil. Headlines that were missed: "Well, he is a Beatle" and "Well Buddy Holly had his crickets..."
14. Whenever I am late with a bill I get a statement that says "outstanding" and I mistake that for a compliment.
15. I have an idea for an animated series about a family that is always sick. It's called "The Symptoms."
16. In terms of his energy bill, we could call our president "Nat Clean Coal."
17. Show me a bulimic Judge and I'll show you a disorder in the court.
18. I went to a dyslexic strip club and watched the women put on their clothes.
19. Shouldn't a film about The Rockettes be called "Kickstarter?"
20. Just pitched a new T-shirt: Engayged.
21. I support the out in Boy Scout
22. What comes after a gay marriage? A diva-orce.
23. Kevin Youkilis: New Youk, New Youk!
24. Raymour or Flannigan? Discuss.
25. I'm thinking of creating a new show: "Inside the Actor's Studio Apartment."
26. How do you make a million playing Jazz? Start with two million.
27. In the 60s I was an Acidic Jew
28. I think the Kardashians are a bunch of Narisisters.
29. Just got Naomi Wolff's new book Vagina and it's hard to get into.
30. Miley Cyrus is no longer engaged. That's what I call "Much I Do About Nothing."
31. I drove a car whose GPS system had no idea where we were going. It was in a Ford Confusion.
32. What I've learned from The Vikings: I believe that Ragnor went off to meet Rado and they wrote 'Hair."
33. White smoke was seen billowing from Mitt Romney's house. Evidently he just picked a new Argentinian pool boy.
34. Pope Fiction: the story begins.
35. Broadway: there is nothing like a Jewsical.
36. So there is a new Hebrew edition of Playboy which means you can look at all the boobs and ask, "Is real?"
37. Daylight Savings Time? Not on my watch.
38. Per the big Pope vote: I'm voting for Murray.
39. Hugo Chavez was really lucky that his last name wasn't "Girl."
40. Do trash men get in trouble for talking basketball?