THE BLOG

I Now Pronounce You Man and WiFi: A TV Writer Looks at Life With All His Many 'Wives'

06/16/2015 01:55 pm ET | Updated Jun 16, 2016

So here's the thing.

I'm married. In fact I'm a bigamist.

No, I'm not in a cult and, no I'm not a Mormon.

In fact I'm not even married to women.

Or men.

I'm married to my electronic devices.

It just hit me the other day. I don't just own an Apple Watch, iPad and Macbook. I am obviously in love and totally committed to them.

I stare at them constantly. I talk to them during the day and all through the night. I pick their brains and ask for guidance when I am lost.

I fondle them with the lightest, most sensual of haptic touches. If I need to be eroticized, unlike real women, they literally tell me where to go.

If they are sick with a virus (they inform me right away if they have contracted a STD). I will take care of them and they me. I would NEVER abandon or cheat on them with another device. At least not for a year or so.

But our marriages are not forever ones. In fact sooner or later I will have to file for a dev-orce because a hot new model will suddenly be available on the market and just like that my current relationship will be history.

And I will take all my memories, my pictures and everything else with me.

But for right now we are a complete and total marriage.

In my world, Florence IS the machine.

We are so much alike, all the Mrs. David Steve Simon Devices and I.

They shop with me, we go out to restaurants and theater and we pick out all our movies, TV shows and books together.

We always vacation together on The Amazon.

We live together. We have since day one.

They go wherever I go -- including the most intimate of places including the bathroom and shower.

We are into taking pictures. Some couples are like that. Kinky, I know.

They are simply the perfect partners for this modern non-intimate, self-centered, totally isolated world of ours.

They only think of me and my needs exclusively, NEVER their own to the point of exhaustion when they finally tell me that they need to "recharge their batteries."

They are always vigilant and endlessly maternal, constantly reminding me (to a fault -- enough already!) to go to my appointments, take my pills or go play a game with someone.

Okay sometimes I can annoy them, and I know exactly how to push their buttons, And yes sometimes they freeze up or lock me out. But I always somehow manage to figure out a way back in.

I mean, unlike real women, my devices come with instructions.

Much easier.

And so it goes on. We continue to this day to make plans together like we will last a lifetime.

But being a man, my eye is always wandering and yes, I do go on dating sites. Temptation is everywhere in this world of matrimonial machines. It's not my fault. I'm always getting these emails and alerts about "the next best thing" that is better, smarter and faster that what I have now,

Who can blame me when I finally dump my wives and move on?

As for children, no we can't have any together. I have real ones anyway, who, in true Harry Chapin style, have been left to their ow devices and have grown up just like me. No meal, vacation or celebration goes by without all of us getting together with all our "wives." Who needs the stress of sharing and talking to each other when we have all our lovely wives to distract us?

My wives are the Apple of my eye and I just love them to death.

Do I miss having an actual human wife? Not really. Sure, I think about it from time to time, but those type of wives are just way too buggy, fall apart easily and are just not as dependable.

Besides who needs human contact anymore?

Hold on.

I think one of my wives is calling me.