THE BLOG
02/18/2014 09:27 am ET | Updated Apr 20, 2014

Jimmy Fallon Is On First -- But Who's On Second?

Life is getting more and not less complicated and for one good reason: there are way too many choices in our everyday entertainment lives. I mean everyday I feel like octamom Nadya Suleman trying to remember the names of even one of her kids as I struggle to remember the name of just one of my two (I believe one is Carl, but I am not sure).

Internet radio? Do you really want to open Pandora's box here? 18,000 radio stations? At least 99 percent of them are conservative radio and the rest are incredibly vital stations Live 365's Ambien Psychedelik Chillout and White Racist Dance Trance Barbecue Tunes.

Movie theaters? The average marquee looks more like the Metro North schedule. I feel like the next Katherine Heigl movie, while not being particularly entertaining, may wind up leaving me in New Haven.

Now I am a comedy writer so I have worked up a little homage to the world-wide bafflement of everyday media in order to illustrate what I am experiencing every single time I sit down to watch say, late night TV. Think of this as a loving tribute to confusion.

For the uninitiated imagine, if you will, two men, standing in the spotlight. One is shrewd, razor-sharp. The other not so much.

Your assignment is to enjoy.

Because in this case: I am not giving you a choice.

WHAT SHOW IS ON FIRST?

So, is Jimmy Fallon is on Tonight?
Yes.
And Seth Meyers is too?
No. He's on Late.
Wait. What? Seth Meyer is not on Tonight?
That's right. But he will be soon.
When?
In a few weeks
And he will be on Late.
Every single night.
But he's not on Tonight?
Now you've got it.
Got what? Wait one second: is Fallon on Today?
No. That's Matt Lauer.
Okay. Wait. What? Jimmy Fallon is not on Today?
Never.
What about tomorrow?
Oh that's gone.
What is?
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow is gone?
That's right. That is so yesterday.
Tomorrow is yesterday?
You see how simple it is?
What is? So Matt Lauer is on Today, but not Tonight and definitely not Tomorrow.
Perfect! You don't even need a TV Guide.
I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about! He's on NBC?
Who?
Matt Lauer.
Seven days a week! What is the matter with you?
But he's not on Tonight or Tomorrow.
Right.
But he's on every single day of the week.
See how smart you are? He's on Today!
Wait. What? What about Craig Ferguson? Is he on Late?
No. He's on Late Late.
Wait. He's not on Late?
Actually he's on early.
Wait. He's on Late Late which is on early?
Now you got it.
Got what? I'm so confused. So Ferguson is on the early show?
Never.
But you just said that he's on early.
Every single night.
But not Today?
Never.
And not tonight?
Never.
But he's on the early show?
No, no. That's Charlie Rose and Gail King.
But you said that Craig Ferguson is on early.
Well he is.
With Charlie Rose and Gail King?
Nope. Never. Are you paying attention??
But they are on every day?
Certainly.
And Craig Ferguson is on Late Late
Yes, early!
How can he be on early if he's late late?
It's just a matter of scheduling.
So Charlie Rose and Gail King were on Today.
No. Never.
I thought you said they were on the early show?
They are!
When?
Seven days a week! Seven days a week! Pay attention!
Okay, So Charlie Rose and Gail King are not on today -- they will never be on today -- but they are on seven days a week!
Was that so hard?
Okay, now what about Letterman is he on Late?
Yes he is.
But you said Jimmy Fallon is on Late.
Well he is too.
So they are on TV together.
Oh no. Never.
But they are BOTH on Late?
What is so confusing about that?
And what about Jimmy Kimmel?
Oh. He's on Live.
So everyone sees him live?
Well no. Only on the east coast.
But he's on live.
All the time. Every night.
What? What about the west coast?
They see him on tape.
But not Live?
Oh he's on Live.
Where?
The West Coast.
Wait. What? Is Jimmy Kimmel on Tonight?
Never.
So when is he on the air?
Every single night of the week.
But not Tonight.
Never.
Is he on Today?
Never!
But he's on seven times a week?
Without fail.
On tape.
He's on Live. It's called Live With Jimmy Kimmel!
My head is spinning. Hey, what about Carson Daly?
Oh. Daly is on nightly.
What? Daily is on nightly?
Every night.
So he's on Tonight?
No never!
Is he on Late?
No!
Is he on Late late?
No!
Is he on early?
No.
But he's on nightly.
Who?
Daly.
At night.
What?
Is Daly on daily?
Yes.
But not tonight, not late, not late late and not live.
Right.
But nightly.
Who?
Daly?
You see how easy it is?
Oh: and what about Conan?
He's on at 11.
Tonight?
No. Never.
So is he on early?
No.
Late?
No.
Late Late?
Nightly?
No! Early?
No!
So he's not on the air?
Every night.
Every night what?
He's on the air every single night.
When? At 11.
Tonight.
No.
Tomorrow.
No. And thank God you didn't ask me about Chelsea.
Chelsea?
Lately.
Who's on nightly?
Never.
Daily?
Oh, that's nightly.
But not Lately.
Lately is not on nightly.
But Daily is on nightly.
There you go.
But Lately is not on nightly or Today or Tomorrow .
Not once.
But she's on every single night.
Just like everyone else.
Although some are on Tonight, some are on Today, some are on early, some are on late and some are on late late and one is on live but not on tape even though he is on tape on the west coast.
Bingo.
I'm going to bed.

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