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Which Talk Show Is on First? A TV Comedy Writer Confuses You

06/30/2015 03:14 pm ET | Updated Jun 28, 2016

Life is getting more and not less complicated and for one good reason: there are way too many choices in our everyday entertainment lives. I mean everyday I feel like octamom Nadya Suleman trying to remember the names of even one of her kids as I struggle to remember the name of just one of my two (I believe one is Carl, but I am not sure).

Internet radio? Do you really want to open Pandora's box here? 18,000 radio stations? At least 99 percent of them are conservative radio and the rest are incredibly vital stations Live 365's Ambien Psychedelik Chillout and White Racist Dance Trance Barbecue Tunes.

Movie theaters? The average marquee looks more like the Metro North schedule. I feel like the next Katherine Heigl movie, while not being particularly entertaining, may wind up leaving me in New Haven.

Now I am a comedy writer so I have worked up a little homage to the world-wide bafflement of everyday media in order to illustrate what I am experiencing every single time I sit down to watch say, late night TV. Think of this as a loving tribute to confusion.

For the uninitiated imagine, if you will, two men, standing in the spotlight. One is shrewd, razor-sharp. The other not so much.

Your assignment is to enjoy.

Because in this case: I am not giving you a choice.

WHAT SHOW IS ON FIRST?

So, is Jimmy Fallon is on Tonight?
Yes.
And Seth Meyers is too?
No. He's on Late.
Wait. What? Seth Meyer is not on Tonight?
No.
But he will be on Late.
Every single night.
But he's not on Tonight?
Now you've got it.
Got what? Wait one second: is Fallon on Today?
No. That's Matt Lauer.
Okay. Wait. What? Jimmy Fallon is not on Today?
Never.
What about tomorrow?
Oh that's gone.
What is?
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow is gone?
That's right. That is so yesterday.
Tomorrow is yesterday?
You see how simple it is?
What is? So Matt Lauer is on Today, but not Tonight and definitely not Tomorrow.
Perfect! You don't even need a TV Guide.
I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about! He's on NBC?
Who?
Matt Lauer.
Seven days a week! What is the matter with you?
But he's not on Tonight or Tomorrow.
Right.
But he's on every single day of the week.
See how smart you are?
Wait. What? What about James Corden? Is he on Late?
No. He's on Late Late.
But he's not on Tonight?
Never.
And he's not on Late.
There you go.
But he's on late late
Every single night.
And he's not Today?
Never.
And not tonight?
Never.
And he's never on early.
No, no. That's Charlie Rose and Gail King.
Oh. Are they on Today?
Never.
But they are on every single day?
Now you got it.
Got what? Wait...what about Stephen Colbert?
Oh. He'll be on The Late Show.
But not Late.
No, that's Seth Meyers.
Wait. Is Stephen Colbert on Tonight?
No. He will never ever be on any tonight.
But in a few months he'll be on every single night?
Exactly!
What about Jimmy Kimmel?
Oh. He's on Live.
So everyone sees him live?
Well no. Only on the east coast. On the west coast he's never on live.
Wait. Is he on Live?
Yes. On both coasts..
What? What about the west coast?
They see him on tape.
But not Live?
Oh he's on Live.
Where?
The West Coast.
Wait. Is Jimmy Kimmel on Tonight?
Never.
So when is he on the air?
Every single night of the week.
But not Tonight.
Never.
Is he on Today?
Never!
But he's on seven times a week?
Without fail.
On on tape.
He's on Live and he's on tape.
It's called Live With Jimmy Kimmel!
My head is spinning. Hey, what about Carson Daly?
Oh. Daly is on nightly.
What? Daily is on nightly?
Every night.
So he's on Tonight?
No never!
Is he on Late?
No!
Is he on Late late?
No!
Is he on early?
No.
But he's on nightly.
Who?
Daly.
At night.
What?
Is Daly on daily?
Yes.
But not tonight, not late, not late late and not live.
Right.
But nightly.
Who?
Daly?
You see how easy it is?
Oh: and what about Conan?
He's on at 11.
Tonight?
No. Never.
So is he on early?
No.
Late?
No.
Late Late?
Nightly?
No! Early?
No!
So he's not on the air?
Every night.
Every night what?
He's on the air every single night.
When? At 11.
Tonight.
No.
Tomorrow.
No. You didn't ask me about Chelsea. She hasn't been on Lately.
And not Daly?
No. Daly is every night.
But not Lately.
Lately is not on nightly or Daly. But she will be on soon.
So when she comes back Lately won't be on nightly or Today or Tomorrow .
Not once.
But she'll be on once a week.
Just like everyone else. And she'll have famous guests like Keira Knightly.
Ah. Could Knightly be on Daly?
Sure.
Wait. What?
Knightly can easily be on Daly. In fact she could be on tonight, late or late late early or even live.
Nightly?
No. Just once in a while.
That's it! I'm going to bed.