Popular culture has done us a great disservice in our understanding of romantic love. From a young age, we watch movies and read books that form the scripts of our adult relationships. But popular culture usually gets it wrong, often in the name of entertainment, and ends up confusing love with limerence.
What Is Limerence?
Limerence, a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, has been described as "an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person."
Much to the dismay of diehard romantics, research suggests that limerence is the result of biochemical processes in the brain. Responding to cues from the hypothalamus, the pituitary gland releases norepinephrine, dopamine, phenylethylamine (a natural amphetamine), estrogen and testosterone. This chemical cocktail produces the euphoria of new love and begins to normalize as the attachment hormones (vasopressin and oxytocin) kick in, typically six to 24 months into a relationship. In much the same way that changes in the brain cause drug addicts to feel an intense, all-consuming draw to get and use drugs, limerence can drive people to extremes in the pursuit of the object of their affection.
Some call limerence infatuation, lovesickness, or romantic love, while others relate it to love addiction. Some have humorously called it affection deficit disorder. Albert Wakin, an expert on limerence and a professor of psychology at Sacred Heart University, defines limerence as a combination of obsessive-compulsive disorder and addiction, a state of "compulsory longing for another person."He estimates that five percent of the population struggles with limerence.
Signs of Limerence
Although it can be difficult to objectively evaluate the signs of limerence when you're in this altered state, Tennov identified the following core characteristics:
• Idealization of the other person's characteristics (positive and negative)
• Uncontrollable and intrusive thoughts about the other person
• Extreme shyness,stuttering, nervousness and confusion around the other person
• Fear of rejection and despair or thoughts of suicide if rejection occurs
• A sense of euphoria in response to real or perceived signs ofreciprocation
• Fantasizing about or searching obsessively for signs of reciprocation ("reading into things")
• Being reminded of the person in everything around you
• Replaying in your mind every encounter with the other person in great detail
• Maintaining romantic intensity through adversity
• Endlessly analyzing every word and gesture to determine their possible meaning
• Arranging your schedule to maximize possible encounters with the other person
• Experiencing physical symptoms such as trembling, flushing, weakness or heart palpitations around the other person
Love vs. Limerence
Early in a romantic relationship, it can be difficult to distinguish love from limerence. One begins to follow a calmer, more rewarding path that feels good to both partners, while the other intensifies and stops feeling good to one or both partners over time. Limerence is smothering and unsatisfying and cares little about the other person's well-being. Securing the other person's affection takes precedence over earning their respect, commitment, physical intimacy or even their love.
In healthy relationships, neither partner is limerent. They are in love, but they do not struggle with constant, unwanted thoughts about their partner. Rather than pursuing reciprocity, the couple bonds through mutual interests and enjoyment of each other's company.
In most relationships where limerence is an issue, one partner is limerent and the other is not, according to Tennov. These relationships are unstable and intense. If both partners are limerent, the relationship typically fizzles as quickly as it sizzled. Experts disagree about the likelihood of limerent relationships evolving into affectionate, long-term commitments. While some may grow into healthy, mutually gratifying relationships, others end in rejection and disappointment.
Limerence lasts longer than romantic love, but not usually as long as a healthy, committed partnerships. By Tennov's estimates, limerence can last a few weeks to several decades, with the average being 18 months to three years. The duration depends whether the individual's affections are requited. When requited, the feelings may persist over many years. When unrequited, the feelings typically dwindle away and eventually disappear, unless the object of their affection sends mixed signals or physical or emotional distance prolongs the intensity and uncertainty (e.g., one partner lives in a different state or is married).
When Love Becomes an Addiction
For reasons we don't yet fully understand, not everyone experiences limerence. People who do may experience it only once and then move onto a healthy relationship, or may fall into a lifelong pattern of obsessive relationships. Like drug addicts, some chase that lovesick feeling at the expense of their careers, families and health. Those who cannot let go of the intensity and euphoria of romantic love may be struggling with relationship, romance or love addiction. Behaviors may become dangerous, such as stalking or unwanted contact, and require outpatient or residential love addiction treatment, professional counseling and/or 12-step work.
There is still much to be learned, but scientists have taken on the science of limerence and set out to explore the effectiveness of a variety of medications and behavioral therapies. While some experts view limerence as a natural part of early love, others are evaluating its potential placement in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. For now, the best course of action is to begin addressing unhealthy relationship patterns with a therapist.
David Sack, M.D., is board certified in psychiatry, addiction psychiatry and addiction medicine. He is CEO of Elements Behavioral Health, a network of addiction treatment programs that includes Promises Treatment Centers, The Ranch outside Nashville, The Sexual Recovery Institute, and The Recovery Place.
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It’s great to see the scientific community extending the definition of addiction to include limerence (though faux love seems more descriptive than a fabricated word).
How long is it going to take until a courageous researcher uses modern brain scanning equipment to connect the dots between the most destructive addictions and the dopamine-induced survival behaviors we share with chimpanzees (involving fear/power/safety, acceptance/approval/attention, esteem/status)?
These are all the “deficiency needs” Abraham Maslow identified and they’re also the reason our species is being destroyed by fear/power/safety, acceptance/approval/attention, and esteem/status addicts who do not want to know that they do what they do to trigger the same exact dopamine that junkies trigger with heroin. The same self-deception and denial associated with heroin addiction provides the convenient ignorance that helps the most common and dangerous addicts pretend that their favorite dopamine-triggering behaviors are normal, acceptable, and even admirable.
Nobody in his right mind would allow junkies to determine the fate of our species. Meanwhile, power addicts (who are no more in control of their decisions and behavior than junkies) are free to run amuck and destroy environments, economies, and the lives of millions.
DopamineProject.org
"There's no diet like being in love. I could never eat a thing for weeks on end. Near-misery! :))"
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Very true. I went from 235 lbs. to 188 lbs. and that's before I even went out with the woman. I couldn't even serve her a cup of coffee because my hands shook so much. I'd spill half of it. I even had trouble breathing. She ended up calling me up and I spilled my guts out to her. We went out and wound up in my place, in my bed. And I can honestly say that the happiest moment in my life was holding her in my arms and kissing her. There's nothing better than the "Love Sick Diet" for losing weight.
I'm an especially emotional guy, though I'm also very good at keeping my cognitive side separate from and dominant over my emotional side. I realized a while back that I was attracted to a girl, entirely emotionally, but when I thought about it, cognitively, I knew that it would be an unhealthy relationship in every way. So I made the decision not to pursue a relationship at all, and once I made that decision, it seems that that's when limerence kicked in. I knew it would be a bad relationship, but my emotions kicked into high gear, and I began thinking about her constantly, being euphoric when I'm around her, and fantasizing. I'd never act on it because I know it wouldn't last, but the emotional similarities to limerence were very interesting to me.
[OOOOO]