Of all the reasons I've heard from people who oppose same-sex parenting, perhaps the most oft-repeated concern is that having gay or lesbian caregivers sets up a lifetime of trauma for the child who will endure teasing about the comparative oddity of her family. As one person recently asked, "Did you ever think about the needs of the child?"
This is an interesting logic and, I suppose, at least premised on a fair understanding of the nature of children: kids can indeed be cruel little beasts and any perceived difference or weakness is ripe for mockery. Where the claim falls short is the implied message that the only people who deserve to parent are those who can guarantee that their children will not be mocked.
I hate to break it to you, but those people don't exist.
You can come from an intact, two-parent, all-heterosexual family and still have the living daylights teased out of you. Just ask the only Mormon kid in a liberal school in the Northeast whether she's had to deal with smart remarks from people who don't understand her. And it's not just hot button topics that land a kid under the microscope of mockery. From the girl I knew who started wearing chunky eyeglasses with ultra-thick lenses in second grade to the boy whose family dressed in matching velour track suits all the time, the world has always been ripe with targets for taunting.
I was teased as a child by different groups for different things. A good-looking, athletic boy in my school routinely called me "Porker" because I was fat. (In truth, fat ran in my family like talent in the Pinkett-Smiths.) I also got teased by some for being a "Spic," because I am half Cuban -- though I got off easier than my brother Ignacio, whose name was deemed so ethnic that locals didn't even try to pronounce it. A third group liked to rib me for being a Seventh-day Adventist, a denomination just too far out there for some of the local Congregationalists.
Some of the teasing just rolled off. After all, it was hardly my fault that people in rural Maine found Spanish exotic; and I never found my church weird, since it was all I knew. The jokes about my weight stung most and lasted longest, but the teasing itself had no meaningful impact on my life. Why? Because, no matter what some people said, I was loved by many and treated well by most. The kindness of the average person, coupled with the safety net of support at home, was the backdrop against which teasing was made small.
The real issue is not what lifestyles or personal details might cause one to be teased, but what messages about teasing we are sending to kids. If you raise your children to feel like it's just fine to mock those who are different, that's a failure on your part, not on mine. If a school's culture has devolved to a point where such hurtful behaviors are not only ignored but even tolerated, that's a systemic issue, and has nothing to do with my household. When bullying -- the natural growth of untended teasing -- is allowed, it's because enough people have failed at the ethical responsibilities given to them by their faith traditions, our society, and their humanity.
This lesson starts at home. My daughter is quite capable of busting out a sing-song taunt if she wants to, but she also knows that she'll be in trouble if either dad finds out. The principle is simple: If you truly are concerned about the harmful effects of teasing, then raise your own kids not to do it.
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All of this really affected me because I also didn't have parents who would be there for me..If I had only had someone who loved me unconditionally,I think I could have gotten through all of this unscathed. I ended up with a drug problem,mainly because I believed that it was all I deserved Thankfully, I got through all of that and am happy now.I think it's incredibly important for parents and family to make sure that the child knows how valuable they are and that the teasing comes from those who feel they need to put someone down for them to feel better about themselves.
I agree that not everyone is going to like everyone else, and that's OK. It's something we must all learn to accept and deal with because it's a part of life. However, IT IS NEVER OK to be purposefully mean to someone or to ridicule them because you don't happen to like them, and that's something kids need to learn.
My husband and I on the other hand do raise our daughter to be kind, caring, and empathetic and at the very least simply have manners. She recently came home from school and informed me she had befriended a "mean girl" because she wanted to show her "how to be nice and learn to be a good friend so she'll have more friends." This is a five years old. I'm very proud and I hope she will always treat everyone with dignity and kindness.
Sorry......
On that same note, my son is taught that name calling and being mean is never acceptable.
Example: At sleepaway camp, we have this really high wall (maybe 10-15 feet high that overlooks the grassy field below and 2 of our campers were standing up there, talking about wanting to jump down.
For some reason, there was no one else out there at the time, so I had some leeway about deciding if I wanted to stop them.
I walk up to them and stand up there with them and encourage 1 of them to go first.
Both of them admit they are scared and ask me to go first.
I look down and figure this is a pretty steep fall and the grass is not all that thick, so it might hurt, and I tell them I think it is too risky.
So the 3 of us walk off together. Problem solved.
Even if 1 of them had jumped, we have a full medical team on-hand that could have treated whatever bruises the kid would have incurred, and the pain serves as a lesson not to do something like that or similar in the future.
And if the kid does not get hurt, well then it was not dangerous in the first place.
Coming out of something unscathed does not mean it was not dangerous in the first place. Have you ever heard of war or car accidents or armed robbery?
Unfortunately, the teacher's unions will not exert 1 extra ounce of unnecessary effort.
Even the "losers" have their own clique, so even though that clique might not "matter," they still have friends.
For example, I have worked at sleepaway camps and definitely notice there being cliques among the girls, but not really among the boys, unless you count groups of kids who hang out a lot as a clique.
So like instead of taking my break during the evening shift, I'll hang out with the really girly girl clique and maybe the naturish girl clique, just so that I know what types of pranks are being planned before they happen.
And for any of the pranks that we plan, I always just insist that it is based on things that are actually true (Example: If we are going to exclude a girl for being promiscuous, there needs to be somewhat tangible evidence that she actually acts like that. I do not allow them to exclude a girl just for wearing a short dress one day and for them to just assume that the girl is promiscuous.)
And I always stress honesty and integrity as part of our interactions as once someone is caught lying, I cut off my tolerance for pulling pranks and acting clicky with that girl.
Excellent idea, and I agree with it completely. We teach our kids that it's unacceptable behavior, and there will be repercussions if caught teasing, but many (most) parents just don't care. They either come from a boatload of money, and are at the "top of the food chain", or they are at the bottom and barely have a leg to stand on when it comes to advancement. Many parents aren't even parents.
I'm tired of those who don't (or DO) teach their children by example...live off the government paycheck, sue anyone who "offends" you, self-entitlement syndrome, racial slurs, anti-religious rants...and the list is endless. No wonder the majority of kids seem lost today.