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Parenting News From The Future

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SPACE BABY
John Lund/Stephanie Roeser via Getty Images

Scientists at NASA warned radiation from a massive solar flare would hit Earth on Friday the 13th, 2014. During that cosmic pummeling, an unprecedented event occurred. Satellite TV subscribers in the U.S. Northeast, the upper Midwest and parts of Canada reported their service was interrupted by what appeared to be a morning news segment from the near future.

Many viewers recorded the anomaly and Federal officials and scientists have studied the footage. Their conclusion -- it is authentic.

Those who've seen the video, which has since been classified, claim it gives us a chilling glimpse of what lies ahead for humanity. What follows is a direct transcript of the short segment (supplied by a source who asked to remain anonymous) with notes added for clarification:

[video interference, screen clears, a man in a blue suit and a woman in a red dress sit on a couch on what appears to be a morning show set]

Man: "...up to the congressional oversight committee. But, pundits on the right say it's unlikely President Kayne West will wait for their report."

Woman: "Oh, Yeezy."

Man: "Indeed."

Woman: "Now, onto Your Health. Parents are tailoring their babies, but not in the way you think. Since genetic alignment techniques were perfected a decade ago to eradicate life-threatening conditions, moms and dads expecting a baby have been able to build their offspring to order. From green eyes to a swimmer's physique or so-called Package Genetics such as the 'Tatum' or the 'Upton,' each child born in the past decade represents the parents' vision of the perfect human..."

[video interference]

Man: "...know exactly. My son was supposed to be a daughter."

Woman: "Well, it turns out some think perfect is pretty boring. They claim the surge of beautiful, graceful, exemplary kids has led to a global decline in artistic endeavors such as painting and poetry that art historians say were often the product of finding and celebrating imperfections. This generation of flawless people are also blamed for the death of the website Awkward Family Photos, which suffered a lack of content in recent years. So, a growing trend among new parents is to insert flaws into the genetic makeup of their unborn child or, get this, skip genetic alignment all together."

Man: "That's rolling the dice."

Woman: "Tell me about it. Imagine a child with curly hair."

Man: "Or a crooked smile. Eesh."

Woman: "Though public opinion is against them, these parents have found support in Christ On A Crutch, the anti-genetic alignment group formed by the unlikely partnership of geneticists and Christian conservatives. And since genetic alignment is voluntary, we're soon likely to see a new generation of imperfect kids walking the halls of our schools."

Man: "Amazing. OK, after the break, Steve tells us if this triple-digit temperature might cool off in time for Christmas next week."

Woman: "And we'll introduce you to a cat that loves chili."

Man: "Loves chili? That's im-paw-sible."

Woman: "Oh, you. That's a..."

[video interference, normal programming resumes]