Top 10 Bad Things Obama Learned in His Intelligence Briefing

Yesterday, President-Elect Barack Obama received his first deep intelligence briefing, also known as The Bad News. Here is what he learned:

1. Chief source of carbon emission: Printing money for the bail-out.

2. The jobless rate counts looking for work as a full-time job.

3. Loose nukes now available only in blister-packs of six.

4. The Taliban are now twice as fierce, having discovered the awesome power of a good breakfast.

5. World of Warcraft: Totally fact-based.

6. American is unprepared for any biological attack that involves nookie.

7. The fate of the earth depends upon the President taking time every summer to personally fight the invasion of demonic space aliens who look surprisingly like brush.

8. The Constitution was suspended by secret Presidential order in 2002. The country is now governed by a Magic 8-Ball in a secret annex of the National Archive. The good news: Signs point to yes.

9. Sarah Palin accidentally was briefed first. So, yes, Alaska has been engaged in a secret air war with Russia, Africa is now a country...

10. The Iraq War has actually been over since 2005. What's been going on since then is what counts in Iraq as peace.

11. As the result of extensive plastic surgery, Osama Bin Laden has successfully penetrated this country, and, what's especially awkward for you, Mr. President-Elect, is that he's been living in the Chicago suburbs under the name ... wait for it ... "William Ayers."

[I know that's eleven of them. That's so you can disregard the one you like least. And thanks to Crosbie Fitch for coming up with this idea.]

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