My fellow Americans, I admire both Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton as much as the next mildly well informed Democratic white guy. Yet at a certain point, isn't enough finally enough? Whether we choose to accept it or not, the time has come for men and women of good faith to begin the painful but necessary process of looking elsewhere for the perfect consensus candidate who can reunite our party and ultimately our country this coming November.
With all that in mind, I have come here today not simply to say "Hello Again," but rather to declare that our search for the next American President need go no further than American Idol this week. Ladies and gentleman, on behalf of one Jew from the great state of New Jersey now living in the Hollywood Hills, I proudly pledge all of my non-existent delegates to a true American Idol among us, the next President of these United States -- Mr. Neil Diamond, everybody!
Yes, I know full well what most of you are thinking out there in the blogesphere: Holly Holy, David, this is pure genius. I accept the thanks of a grateful nation. As for the rest of you, I beseech you to turn on your heartlights for just a moment and think again:
Firstly, everyone knows Neil Diamond is a "Solitary Man" so he doesn't even need a running mate. Imagine the savings to our country right there. If this unprecedented lack of a Vice President thing leads to a constitutional crisis of some sort, then we could always ask "Sweet Caroline" Kennedy.
Neil Diamond looks presidential. He's handsome, tall and distinguished. Sure, his chief of staff and/or A&R representative might have to convince him to wear a few formal black beaded shirts rather than some of those more arena-friendly shinier colors. Still, wouldn't that Semitic stud we all loved on the poster of The Jazz Singer look cool as the next addition to Mount Rushmore?
Neil Diamond is literally the guy who wrote "America" -- the song, not the country, but come on, it's close enough. Throw in just "Cherry, Cherry," "Cracklin' Rosie" and "Song Sung Blue" and it's clear he earns enough money in royalties that he really can't be bought by any special interests.
Neil Diamond is seasoned but he's also a lot younger than John McCain. Okay, everybody's younger than John McCain. Put it this way: Neil Diamond played The Last Waltz; John McCain is currently unaware of any dance craze since his last waltz.
Neil Diamond has already been fully vetted by Will Ferrell on Saturday Night Live. If this lovely man can survive having been parodied as a racist, rambling, sociopathic sex offender by the star of Talladega Nights and still sell out tours in stadiums around the world, I'm pretty damn confident that he can easily take the red states, the blues states, and even the shimmering purple states.
Even as a fairly lapsed Jew myself, I'm pretty sure Neil Diamond doesn't have a priest or minister who could come out of the woodwork to embarrass him with their extreme views. And if people will forgive him for making them see the movie of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, they will forgive anything.
As his unforgettable lyrics to "I Am... I Said" made abundantly clear, Citizen Diamond is a man with deep roots on both coasts, as well as a massive following anywhere in the world that a little "Red, Red Wine" is not cause for a fatwa.
Neil Diamond may very well actually be a Democrat. I know he once did a fundraiser for George McGovern and gave some money for gun control. Being a patriotic American, Neil also sang at a state dinner at the Reagan White House, but I'm pretty sure that was so he could dance with Princess Diana.
Neil Diamond doesn't need the gig. His forthcoming album Home Before Dark -- produced by Rick Rubin -- is perhaps the best album of his entire career. When I heard this masterpiece for the first time a month or so ago, I was so moved that I started writing a book about my lifelong love for the man and his music. My timely tome is called He Is... I Say: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Neil Diamond. Believe it or not, this book for the Diamondhead in your life will be coming to America from Da Capo Press before Election Day and just in time for Chanukah. Frankly, if this whole President Diamond thing pans out, it could help not simply the American people and all citizens of the world but, just as significantly, my book sales.
Last but not least, much like a song sung blue, everybody knows Neil Diamond, and they love him whether they admit it or not. Calling upon all those decades of good will, I honestly believe that this charismatic and beloved figure could help inspire a new more tuneful spirit of community service in this great nation -- a traveling salvation show, if you will, led by our very own Brother Love.
Picture it now. Upon completion of his global sold-out tour in support of his smash new album, Neil Diamond stands tall in our nation's capital -- one hand on the Bible, the other on a copy of Billboard, taking his oath of office and boldly declaring words to inspire our next generation:
"Ask not what Neil Diamond can do for you, but what you can do for Neil Diamond."