I don't watch American Idol. You'd be surprised how much time it frees up -- like almost enough for an actual life. Not that my hands are completely clean, America -- I confess that I was Taylor Hicks' ghostwriter. That book was called "Heart Full of Soul" -- not to be confused with Soul on Fire by Eldridge Cleaver who I believe led a slightly different Soul Patrol.
Still try as you might, you can't avoid Idol entirely. For instance, I just read that the ratings for the show have been down. I also heard that there was some debate raging about whether Kara DioGuardi will return as the fourth judge. I have absolutely nothing against Kara -- I quite enjoy some of her work as a songwriter and have seen enough to definitively declare that she is, in fact, way hot. But all this overheard Idol news got me thinking: what fourth judge could American Idol possibly add that might bring something really new and exciting to the party?
My choice: Dick Cheney. Could the worst Vice President ever become the best "American Idol" judge ever? Imagine introducing waterboarding and other forms of morally responsible torture to the American Idol rundown -- and not just for the "talent," mind you, but for the other judges and Ryan too. Just think about what introducing the element of danger and a dash of outright sadism might would do to kick things up a notch? Sure, Dick's WAY out of the demo, but he sure seems to be on TV a lot these days anyway.
So I've my choice, America. Now it's time for you to make yours. And here's hoping that it's not to late for American Idol: Guantanamo Bay Week.
