THE BLOG

3 Reasons Why You Should Never Have Kids

02/29/2012 12:08 pm ET | Updated Apr 30, 2012

That grabbed your attention.

The American dream: suburbs, children, after school activities. It sounds good in principle doesn't it?

Let me tell you something -- the other night, I slept through the night.

For those of you that are parents, you know that's a big milestone for the children, but, for the first time in 17 months, I actually slept through the entire night.

I actually laid my head down on the pillow; I actually fell asleep in about 10 minutes. Now, granted I've got a head cold and I did cheat and had a little bit of Nyquil in me. But Nyquil wears off pretty fast.

I didn't wake up this morning until about 8 am. I haven't done that in 17 months. I have a child. I never thought I would have a child ever in my entire life, but I now have a child and she is the most beautiful little girl in the entire world. Everything about her is amazing.

Well, not everything.

Her lack of sleeping through the night is certainly getting on my nerves and sometimes she gets so obsessed with shoes that I know in about 10 years I'm going to be in a lot of trouble because that's all she can say... "Shoes."

I know it's going to cost me down the road. I've got a young Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City on my hands.

Here's the deal: When people are in a relationship, they often feel that having kids is the ultimate journey. I'm going to tell you why it really isn't.

Once again, I love my daughter and I look forward to raising her and giving her a wonderful life and allowing her to do things, learn things, travel, and explore. But, I've got to tell you something: sleeping through the night reminded me of why all those years I never really wanted kids.

Reason number one: They absolutely kill your lifestyle. I don't care who you marry and what promises are made. Once you've got an infant in the house, all hell breaks loose.

(I contacted the U.S. government, by the way, and I've come up with a new way to torture POWs. Put a POW in front of four mothers who are breastfeeding constantly and make them watch that. Think about it, prisoner of war, what are they going to think about? Sex. Women. Well, you've now just ruined their entire visual right there. Do that for six months and all the world's secrets will be exposed.)

Reason number two: Forget traveling! Anywhere! If you're an independent person who likes to spontaneously do anything and perhaps take your lover with you, kids are going to kill that -- all of that. They're expensive, nannies are expensive, and often, mothers just can't leave the side of a child for long periods of time

If you like to travel light, then a child is not for you. Mr. Carry-on George Clooney from Up In the Air -- that's me. I mean, I've gone to Europe for two weeks with a carry-on, and I do not wear the same things over and over again.

But when you have a kids, it's outrageous the amount of stuff you need to bring with you everywhere. You're overdosed in gear and you can never do anything spontaneously.

Try taking a 17-month-old on a 12-hour flight to London. Ha, right. They're not exactly thrilled about being kept from hobbling around and grabbing at everything.

So then you learn not to do that ever again.

And last but not least, reason number three: spontaneous sex, or rather, the lack of it. It doesn't exist anymore. You basically have to plan sex, and to me that was never really fun.

"Babe, let's have sex at 8:45 p.m. tonight."

8:45 p.m: the kid starts crying.

"Honey Bunches, let's reschedule for 9:15 p.m."

Having a child in the first couple years of a marriage is not the most romantic thing in the world. That's why a lot of couples go through hell in the beginning when they have kids early.

Children are not the end-all for everybody. It's something that you need to think about. Children are wonderful, they're great, they're beautiful and I love my daughter to death, but the lifestyle with a child may not fit you.

So, it's time you got honest. It's no longer socially unacceptable to be a single person or a married person without kids. It actually pretty common these days. It's great, it's wonderful, and kids may not be exactly what you want. That's something you need to think about, otherwise you're going to be in a life that you never really wanted -- that you never really desired.

And you only live once.